Dark Park

The Real Fishwives of Jewel Park

Last week, the big day arrived. Hi, Lacey and Stacey here at Scrubber Town to tell you all about the auditions for parts in The Real Fishwives of Jewel Park. We'd armed ourselves with a bottle of Vodka each, as we thought we might need it.

Prue Pepper, the new CEO of Channel One, the One and Only One, organised this event as it's her baby. It promised to be fraught with tears, jealousy, slaps, bad-mouthing and malice and didn't disappoint.

Someone asked Prue why she didn't title it The Real Fishwives of Scrubber Town or Dark Park, but she insisted that Jewel Park sounded classier and more people would watch it. She obviously didn't realise, coming from rarified Beauvais Heights that all our neighbouring suburbs look pretty much the same; some are just daggier than others, Dark Park being the worst.

The auditions were held in an old warehouse building. Already a queue had formed around the block. In fact so many wanted to try out that Skye Frye, the sizzling blonde bombshell general manager of Scrubber Town, made the decision to close all the shops for the day, except Pinokio's and Stuff-ya-Face cafes. Most of Scrubber Town's customers were pissed off at first, but then many of them decided to audition too, hence the very l-o-n-g queue.

At the start of the morning, it was quite warm, but a change was said to be on its way. In the beginning, people were in a good mood and quite excited to be taking part. Of course, everyone wanted to be chosen, but when Prue came to the microphone to make her announcement, she made it clear that only a select few would be cast.

Good morning, future Fishwives and extras, whoever you turn out to be, I hope everyone realises that I won't be able to cast you all. There's eight Fishwife roles to fill, their friends, whether they are in real life or not, mothers and mothers-in-law and maybe a few kids. I'm tossing in a few husbands or partners for good measure.

I'm going to pair you together, give you a few lines to say and that will be enough for me to decide, as well as viewing you on our monitor. I don't have all bleeping day, so any hesitation, stammering or lack of screen presence and you're out. Got it? Now, let's get this show on the bloody road.

With that, Prue went into the warehouse, sat in her pink directors chair monogrammed with Boss Babe and ordered her personal assistant Paolo to buy her a large double shot espresso with cognac flavouring.