Dark Park

'Everything was Beautiful at the Ballet'

Hi Scrubber-Towners and Dark Parkers, Stace and I had an unusual assignment last week. We went to watch ballet. Okay, so we suppose that's not very unusual, but it is in our part of the world. No-one ever goes to watch freakin ballet; the footy, the telly, clubbing and beaching, yes, but not ballet. The show was to be on a Friday afternoon, when teachers can supposedly take a break from teaching and let someone else entertain the brats.

The audience comprised (there's another Dr Una word) of kids from the Emu Heights primary school and the Little Buggers childcare centre, as well as one or two other primary schools. Beauvais Heights wouldn't lower themselves to come to Dark Park. They might catch something. Stace and I were surprised at how badly behaved the Emu Heights kids were. Almost as bad as the Little Buggers. Upmarket suburb? We don't think so.

Stace and I were hoping that the resident ghost might put in an appearance and raise havoc, but sadly nothing like that happened. The kids all came clomping into the Dark Park Drama Hall, some holding hands so as to be sure to be able to sit next to their best friend. Others were pushing or sticking out their tongues at kids from other schools. Some actually gave the finger sign. An Emu Heights teacher reached over to one of these kids and said; 'Anymore of that and you'll go outside'. This kind of behaviour will not be tolerated'. To which the kid replied; 'Can I go outside now miz? I don't want to watch wanky ballet. The other kids giggled, but their teacher said; 'You can all sit down and shut up and you and you, she said indicating the two worst kids, can sit either side of me. Do you understand? And don't you dare say a word'.

The Emu Heights Primary School gave the Little Buggers Child Care kids a run for their money in bad behaviour.

Act One; This ballet was performed by the juniors and it was the Four Seasons. Stace said this theme has been done to death. She has a cousin who does ballet and they did a four seasons theme. First came the Spring spirits, then summer, autumn and lastly the Winter spirits. The ballet must have been meant for the northern hemisphere as the winter spirits were all dressed in Christmas costumes. Most of the kids noticed and some shouted out: 'Youse got it wrong. Our Christmas is in summer-time. Youse are stupid. We didn't really care, all we wanted was liquid spirits; Vodka preferably.

The Juniors weren't very good and they tripped over and bumped into one another. They also didn't keep in time with each other. A couple of them had a hissy fit on stage and started to fight with the other dancers, so their teacher had to come on stage and sort them out.

After this was a solo by some chick in a pink tutu. She wasn't wearing pointe shoes though and she seemed to do the same steps over and over again, oh and she had her mouth open the whole time. It made her look demented. She was boring as bat droppings. The kids got really restless during this part of the programme.

The next item was best of all and worth it to have to put up with the rest. Two Soloists from the Seniors class, Leon and Libby were to perform a pas de deux. One of the teachers told us it's a dance for two or a duet.. Anyway, these two slightly plump teenagers took to the stage. He wore light blue tights, male dancer style, which left nothing to the imagination. Not that we fancied him though, he was a bit spotty for our taste. His partner wore a blue tutu to match Leon's tights, but she had on red fishnet tights, with holes big enough for a cyclone to pass through. Her shoes were the usual pink satin ballet slippers. It all looked a bit weird. Maybe she couldn't afford other tights or lost them or something. At least she could go right up on her toes. The solo went okay for a while, though you could hear them thumping on landing after a jump. They weren't the most graceful ballet dancers and their arabesques were totally wobbly. We know about arabesques, cos Janie used to do them with one leg at ninety degrees to the other. She was amazing, much better than these two.

Our attention was wandering by now and so we nearly missed the 'lift' that wasn't and the subsequent drop. Subsequent is another Dr Una word. She's making us our own private dictionary. We nearly said that we can get big words from the internet, but we didn't like to be mean. Dr Una thought she was being helpful.

Anyway, Leon went to lift Libby and he almost pulled it off, but one of them slipped and Libby went plummeting into the floor boards. Many of the kids laughed and some gasped.

Instead of a lift, Libby slipped from Leon's grasp.

Leon bent down and said;'You OK Lib?'

Libby slowly pulled herself to her feet. Her face was red with rage and embarassment. Leon tried to help her, but she said;'Don't touch me you dipshit loser.

'Look what you made me do' and she showed him her leg and ankle which were bleeding. This is all your fault. I'm going to sue you, dickhead. Well, my Mum and Dad will.

'So it's my fault is it that the floorboards are freakin rotten and that you've put on too much weight to lift'

'Look who's talking Mr Dropkick. You made me look like a sack of potatoes. Our teacher wasn't sure about you being able to pull off a lift. Libby slapped his face.

'You are a sack of potatoes, bitch. I could have managed it with someone lighter. Most of the girls are lighter than you. So it went on,  the screaming and yelling. The kids were for the first time in the afternoon, enthralled.

One boy called out to Libby:'Kick him in the slats.' All the others yelled 'Kick him in the slats.' 

Libby turned to her audience;' What do you think? Shall I kick him in the slats?'

'Yeah,' shouted the kids ;' Do it'.

So she did. Libby kneed him right where it hurts a bloke most and she left him writhing on stage.

After a while, two other dancers helped him up and off the stage and the teacher took Libby back stage, presumably for a dressing down. We know all about those. Stace and I often get them at work or Delfines.

Of course the performance was now over.

Everything was Beautiful at the Ballet?

Everything was bloody disastrous at the ballet. Whatever, we'll remember it for a long time.

 The Shock/Horror files: If the above story isn't shocking enough for you, then imagine Delfine singing : Gimme Gimme Gimme a Man After Midnight an Abba song, at karaoke in the Dark ParkTavern last week.  Wishful thinking, Delfine. Anyway,she cleared the room.

The song Everything was Beautiful at the Ballet comes from the musical; A Chorus Line and was composed by Marvin Hamlisch. Probably many of you have seen Chorus Line. I saw it in London and loved it.