We say we crave freedom but are we just haunted by the loneliness?
Because I don't want to listen to everything, but I don't want to cry alone either, so maybe I'm just trying to act cool and justify my fear of loneliness.
Why? Because I don't have my freedom? Or is it because I'm so scared and drained and dull, so exhausted by people talking, their chatter swirling in my head.
Just the thought of spoken words makes me want to go deaf, and fills me with an overwhelming sadness and destructive, horrible impulse.
Oh God, I think because that Is what it is I'm scared and sick and mentally exhausted I am so drained that even the thought of someone saying makes me wanna go deaf, and fills me with overwhelming sadness and destructive impulse. Oh God, I think. People are the worst.
Maybe I justify my thoughts with a lack of freedom because for me, there is no light, no door, no escape.
Just petty lies I speak to tell everyone in fine.
A fiction.
Only I know, in the dark depths of my soul, that all of this is taking a sinister turn.
It's all going downhill, but I still nod and smile and tell pretty lies.
I use freedom to justify this because what else is there?
It is all I have done throughout my life.
My life had been this way since I was seven, not the pretty, perfect dream if thought for.
Instead, pain seemed to accompany me.
It's all too unbearable, yet I carry no wounds. No wounds on my skin, throughout my body, yet the pins and needles I feel in my soul loom over me.
I have been cut open and broken apart so many times, and I blame it all on one thing. Freedom.
My need for it drowns me.
Why do I blame it all on one thing? Am I such a coward, lying to myself, blaming all my misfortune on something that had nothing to do with me?
I'm all right, and this is true.
I just need my freedom.
The freedom to not answer to anyone, the freedom to be as I am, even though I know with every step of freedom I take I will only tear myself further apart.
