What a Wonderful World

Chapter 11

~ Yesterday ~

After Luigi had left after the snowball fight, the jester just waited alone, perplexed. The sun had risen overtop the trees. Not that he was outside to feel it, but he could see the beams of light shine through the frozen glass windows. There. he just sat, perplexed as to why he was feeling this way. Why he was feeling so... happy.

Nothing had changed for him. He was still in a dire situation to which he failed at fixing the world. He was still cold and empty and alone. So why did he feel okay now? Why did he no longer feel empty?

Why was he smiling? Why was he feeling?

It had been so long since he felt such feelings. He almost longed for Luigi to come back so he could feel more. It was like a drug. Addicting, and painful when it was gone. He longed for more, which was strange because a few days ago he never had cared for such things. A few days ago being all alone in the dark and freezing to death seemed preferable to remaining in this cruel world. He even considered speeding up the process but wasn't quite brave enough to do it himself.

For a while, he hated himself for being so cowardly. But now, a part of him was glad. If he ended everything sooner, he would never feel the way he was feeling now. Although, he still couldn't even tell what he was feeling now. He didn't know if it was good or bad. He couldn't tell if it felt nice or if it hurt. But either way, he preferred it over feeling empty.

The jester nuzzled up next to the soft, dying fire, wrapping himself in blankets and closing his eyes. And he felt warmer. Not just because of the fire, but he overall just felt warmer. It was a different kind of warm feeling. 

He liked it.

And as he closed his eyes, he pretended he was no longer alone. 

Something he never thought he'd want was another's company, but for some strange reason, he found himself wishing he had it. Wishing anyone else was here. It didn't matter who. This was the painful part of these new feelings because he longed for more. He felt more alone now than he had earlier, which again, was odd because he was equally alone now as he was then.

He always use to see friends and relationships as bonds that would hold him back. There were no true friends in the world. Most people were bad people, and all good people would eventually die or be taken away, leading to more pain and grief, so he just overall avoided making any true bonds. The closest he ever got to anyone were his teammates at Castle Bleck, and even then the whole time it felt fake. He didn't feel truly as close to them since he knew, in the end, he'd have to turn on them all.

Or perhaps, maybe he did feel close to them, but he didn't let himself think that he did because he knew it couldn't last. He purposely distanced himself to make it hurt less when he turned. 

But... this felt different. He closed his eyes and imagined the blankets to be warm arms hugging him. Like the family he never had. Comforting him and letting him know he isn't alone.

He liked the thought of it. Of not being alone. Of having a family to be with. Other people to comfort him. To warm him with their touches. To tell him it'll be okay and to help him through the harsh winter.

The idea never really appealed to him before.

But, at the end of the day, he knew that this family was only in his mind. He wasn't being surrounded by their warm, loving arms. He was just there, on his own. Cold, loneliness creeping all around him, slithering around the room like a snake, ready to snatch his imaginations of a fictional family away.

And the coldest feeling was the fact that he knew Luigi would likely never return to fight that cold loneliness away. Why would he? He came to deliver firewood so he wouldn't freeze. Now that it wasn't deathly cold, why would he come back? That would likely have been the last time the man in green would ever be brave enough to come. And the thought of it, for some unfathomable reason, made Dimentio feel sick. It almost hurt, and he had no idea why.