live a little - j.birch

n i n e

we had been sat in silence for a while now, tears now beginning to stop falling from my eyes. i watched as the streets passed us by, not particularly knowing where we was going but no longer caring. i was spiralling down a hole my mind was creating, replaying memories in my head as i reminded myself this is who i am and who ill always be. i was fucked up, i always had been. damaged goods. this whole relationship drama just tipped me over the edge.

the car stopped suddenly and the sound of the brakes screeching as we reached our destination made me clock back into what was happening my around me. i looked out the front windshield and noticed we were in a small area of the woods, a part which looked over a rushing river. the environment was quiet except the sound of moving water. wind blew through the trees, brushing a few leaves to the ground as it did so. it was a calming place.

"why are we here?" was the first words i spoke since we got in the car. my words came out lower then i expected, most likely due to the scratchiness it gained from my crying. judd started rolling a joint, which seemed like a frequent occurrence at this point. he didn't look over at me as we talked and just kept his eyes on the river in front of us. he was currently grinding the buds up in his black steel grinder. it had an engraving on the top which resembled some kind of animal, perhaps a raccoon, then an A in a circle over the top of that.

"you clearly need space from everyone. no ones gonna bother us here." he flicked the aux lead onto my lap before tapping the weed into the joint, making sure not to spill any. i was thankful for this really, even if his intentions weren't clear. judd birch wasn't a kind person, i knew this. he was cynical and wanted to watch the world burn. as much as i would like to believe this was a kind gesture, i had to keep a thought in the back of my mind: what does he want?

"thanks." i croaked. i began searching on youtube for a song i wanted to listen to. i knew that judd probably wouldn't like the song i was putting on, but i knew it would cheer me up.

always on time by ja rule began playing and i smiled as i hummed along. in the time it took me to do this, judd had rolled the joint and was now sparking it. he rolled his eyes slightly at the song but didn't protest. we stayed in silence for a little while, just listening to the song playing. as he passed the joint, i thanked him and took a puff. i decided, as no one was around, now was a good time to ask judd why he was being like this.

"what do you mean?" he asked, his eyes not leaving the river. a raccoon or possum dashed along the path in front of the river, which for some reason, made judd smirk.

"you're judd birch. you don't smile or break up fights or take people away from things to chill them out." i pointed out, now turning to face him. his jaw was clenched slightly, as if the question i asked had annoyed him.

"so?" he grunted, still refusing to look over at me. i leant against the van door and crossed my legs as i face him, taking a long drag on the joint before passing it over. he took it, his finger tips lightly brushing mine as he did so.

"so, why? why me?" i furrowed my eyebrows and watched him as he enjoyed a toke. it was a small thing but i took in all his details : his plump lips exhaling the thick smoke, his green eyes getting more and more glazed over with the high, and the way his eyebrows enhanced the dark look he always had on his face.

"dunno." i knew i wasn't going to get a proper answer out of him. i was about to push further, but stopped as his head lulled to the side to face me, his jade orbs boring into mine. his expression told me to shut up, so i'm complied and changed the topic.

"will diane or elliot care that you ditched school?" he chuckled darkly, still looking towards me. he shrugged and took another puff before he spoke, keeping eye contact the entire time. he exhaled the smoke in my face, which made me slap his leg.

"piss off." i rolled my eyes at his dickish behaviour. he smirked back.

"have you met my parents? my dad told me he'd still love me if i was an imposter." he passed me the joint as he talked, letting a small chuckle escape his lips. he definitely was feeling the high, hence him laughing in any manner. sober judd was a cold bastard.

"well are you? an imposter?" i joked, quirking my eyebrow at him. he tapped the side of his nose before speaking.

"maybe. you'll never know." i giggled at his comment, which made the corner of his mouth twitch up slightly.

"maybe that's why you're being nice to me, the real judd could never. i remember, when i was 12, you told me i looked like an uncircumcised cock because i was wearing a turtleneck." i chortled, a small snort escaping as i did so. the noise made me go slightly red, but my laughter didn't stop.

"well you did. it was like your foreskin was just pulled back." he laughed, the first full on laugh i had heard judd come out with. it was infectious, and we both was sat their chuckling for a minute or two. i wiped the tears from my eyes, feeling thankful for these tears being happy ones.

"i can't believe you had a full on fight less then 10 minutes after getting to school." he changed the topic, genuine shock in his eyes. he shook his head at me. i shrugged, pouting slightly.

"she annoyed me. i think i just needed to get my anger out and she managed to press the right buttons to unleash it." i explained, fiddling with the hem of my shirt as i did so. we sat in silence for a little while, neither of us knowing how to respond to that.

"feeling better now?" he asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket and tapping away at it. i sighed, knowing i definitely felt a lot calmer but now felt embarrassed for actually fighting someone for practically no reason. i still had sadness looming over me from everything that had happened. but a small wave of relief had settled over me. it was nice to get some frustration out.

"a bit. thanks again." it had been a couple of hours since the fight had broke out now, and i could now feel my face and knuckles stinging from how cut they were. i looked similar to how judd did after fighting brad, except amber was wearing a ring so my cuts were more apparent. judd started up the van and began reversing out of the parking space.

"where are we going?" i asked him, spinning round in the seat to sit properly. i closed the window from the draft that tried making me freeze as i questioned him.

"i'm hungry." as if on cue, my stomach growled from hunger, my munchies beginning to take over. i smiled down into my lap and pulled out my phone; i scrolled through instagram for a little while whilst thinking:

you're not too bad, judd birch.