mercury || luke hemmings

letter twenty one.

dear diary,

today's our last day. he leaves tomorrow morning.

graduation was nothing special. long, boring. all i got was a piece of paper. twelve years of work and all i got was a piece of paper. sad.

i've tried not to think about 'it' today, about luke having to go. i just want to be happy with him while he's still here.

we both agreed we didn't want to do anything special. we laid in bed and watched movies that neither of us had seen. we kissed a lot. it was weird, because i never knew if one of our kisses could be our last. i didn't want it to be our last. i wanted to have a thousand more. i love him.

you know, he never said it back. he never said 'i love you' back. strangely enough, i'm okay with that.

but someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. they can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. and that's okay. you never have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge.

it's becoming hard for me to come to the conclusion that there is more love, more extraordinary love out there in this great big world that i have never seen because right now the only love that only matters and the only love i want to receive is the kind luke gives me.

i almost don't want to move on. i almost want to cover myself in his scent and cry about him while i drown in my despair and agony. i almost want to do that, but then i remember what not moving on does to people. it kills them. and it can kill me.

right after i met luke i came to the conclusion that i don't want to die. i want to live, i want to be in love and to be loved, i want to see and experience extraordinary things, and i just want to live. i was afraid love might kill me, but i chose to let it not destroy me. love doesn't have to be tragic, it just ends that way sometimes. it's up to you to decide wether you want it to destroy you or not.

sometimes you meet someone, and it's so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. as lovers, as friends, as family, or as something entirely different. you just work, wether you understand one another or you're in love or you're partners in crime. you meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. i don't know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something.

right now, it's 11:46 at night and luke just fell asleep. i'm just sitting here writing a lousy letter about how i'm in love and about how it's going to end soon when i should be snuggled up to my boyfriend while he's still here.

i'm trying not to cry, also.

i almost don't want to snuggle up with him, because if i do that i know i'll fall in love all over again. and i almost don't want that to happen, because he leaves tomorrow morning for college.

but, of course, i'll go and snuggle with him after i finish writing this letter, because i love him.

i do love him, so so much. it's hard to explain my love for luke and put these feelings into words because even to me they're unexplainable. they're just this giant ball of... love. a lot of love.

i'm going to miss him so much. it's also hard to explain how much i'm going to miss him. i'll probably cry for a day straight. and then the next day i'll get my ass out of my bed and make some breakfast. and then maybe things will fall in line. i just know i'm going to cry; a lot.

i'm trying really hard not to cry, but there are tear stains on this paper.

who's going to hold me together when i fall apart?

love,

mercury