mercury || luke hemmings

Two Years Later

"Luke,

I laugh now, because I'd never thought I could be completely okay with things. I thought I'd never forget how you had hurt me. All of those days that I laid in my room crying, I thought that was the worst pain I would feel. I thought that was the worst I would ever be betrayed.

We thought we were so wise then--that we were much older than we really were. We thought there wasn't much growing up left to do when in reality we hadn't even started. I thought I had been through it all already with you.

I never dreamed of losing you. I really thought I was in love. I never doubted it until the very end. I never thought I'd fill the hole you left me in but I still had my whole life ahead of me.

But now I look into someone else's eyes and see everything we never had. My heart is not only filled, but overflowing.

We all thought we were so ready for this world- that we could just skip to the good parts. And it took us a while to get there but we have found a place that we belong in.

I see you with her sometimes. I see her walk your dog. It makes me so happy, Luke, when I see her because I know she loves you. She loves you in a way I never could.

I'm glad you were the first, Luke.

You made me raw and naive and open and strong. You got my secrets that I never even knew were mine to keep buried away. You say with me until my head found a home between the crevice of your neck and shoulder and I wanted to stay there, more than anything, I wanted to stay.

You laughed at my jokes like suddenly I was the world's greatest comedian. It didn't matter than nobody had found me funny before, it didn't matter that tomorrow I would still have to face the world. You were like a safe, where I kept all of my treasures because I thought you would be around forever.

You taught me loneliness. You taught me about endings and goodbyes and emptiness.

Though it was not your intention, you broke me down into the tiniest pieces. I had to become new again.

I laugh now, because it's been two years and I never thought this is where I would be. I never imagined I would be picking out wedding dresses with my fiancé. I never imagined I would be wondering which sandals match my skirt. I never imagined I would still be writing letters, every once in a while, just to see what it feels like.

It's a good feeling.

I laugh now, because this is not where I expected to find wholeness. But I look at her and she is every story I have ever wanted to write- and you are just a line in a poem.

Mercury"

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I forgot I had this in my drafts and found it fitting since my last update was two years ago! Enjoy. Jane