mercury || luke hemmings

letter thirteen.

dear diary,

i asked luke to tell me a story, real or made up.

he definitely gave me one.

"well, i could give you some fake story about a princess who gets saved by a dragon fighting knight, but those are lame, so i'm going to give you a real story."

"okay."

"i was a lonely kid. only child, home schooled, lived in the middle of nowhere. i barely ever met other kids. i just always thought it was normal because i was so used to it. and then when i was thirteen my dad got a job somewhere new, and my mom wasn't able to home school me anymore so i had to go to public school. i liked it at first because there were so many kids my age to hang out with. none of them really liked me that much, except for one girl. she always sat with at lunch and asked how my day was and if i was doing okay at the new school. i had this huge crush on her. she was literally the only one who ever talked to me. i wouldn't say i loved her, but there was definitely something there.

"sooner or later i told her i liked her, and she told me the same. even though we were only two thriteen year olds, we knew a lot about life. i knew about loneliness and she knew about being an outcast. she made promises to me. she said she wouldn't leave me. she promised that she would always stay."

"some people don't understand the promises they are making when they make them," i said.

"right, of course. but you keep the promise anyway. that's what love is. love is keeping the promise anyway."

he paused for a long time after that, thinking about what to say.

"she... she never even said goodbye, and i guess that's what hurt the most. knowing there was never any closure for our situation. there was never a last word, and it never really felt like that door shut completely closed, cause you never think that the last time is the last time. you think there will be more. you think you will have forever, but you don't.

"i... i poured my heart into her. and when she left she took it with her. i guess that's why i felt so empty. i tried to fill the void with other things like smoking, drinking, random girls at random parties. it never really helps, but you tell yourself that it does. you tell yourself that it helps because you don't want to come to terms with the fact you are not okay. and no matter how many packs of cigarettes you smoke or how many bottles of vodka you drink, it never makes the emptiness go away. it's always there. always.

"and then i realized it wasn't okay, and that's okay. it's okay to not be okay, if that makes any sense. i told my mom i didn't want to be like this anymore. she pulled me out of school for the time being and had me go to therapy sessions three times a week for four months. i had a lot of deep emotional problems i wasn't dealing with, and my therapist really helped me with that. now i only see her once a week and it's only for her to check up on my life. i'm back in a different school, and now i actually feel cared for. i feel like there's a reason this has happened to me. this all happened for a reason and even though i don't know what that reason was, i'm okay with it."

and then i sat back, because he had literally just told me everything i needed to know. i was astounded.

"do you think you're okay now?" i asked.

he hesitated, but answered my question anyway.

"no. i don't think it'll ever be okay for what happened to me. i can forgive people for the things they said and did, but i can't forgive them for the way they made me feel. the emptiness doesn't consume me anymore. right now, it just feels like a side emotional i feel sometimes. i may not be okay but i am so much better than i was before and that's all i need."

and then he looked at me, and it hurt.

everything hurt so much.

love,

mercury

-

hey! haven't seen you since last year!!!! *slaps knee* *falls over* *dies*

but um yea it feels like a year since i last updated sorry for that um yeah so i have had this chapter for so long but i hated this okay i hated how it was written it just ugh so yeah this sucked balls but pls bear with me i am only a small egg trying to live an honest life

okay i hope you guys know i love the shit out of you!!! BYE