mercury || luke hemmings

letter twenty eight.

dear diary,

when i was twelve i asked my mother what to expect from life. she told me to "expect the unexpected". she was right.

it was a saturday afternoon. monica and i had already spent the morning together eating breakfast at the local cafe like we do every saturday. luke hemmings had still not left town in ten days. i'm still terrified i'll spot him somewhere. monica had to practically drag me out of bed to go to the cafe this morning. i told her thank you for it later, though.

after breakfast i was sad. i was so sad that not even my favorite sundress could make me happy again. i was sad because i missed him. i missed him so much and i wanted him back and i wanted to hug him and touch him and say his name without feeling bad. i wanted to make new memories and talk about the old ones and laugh about how weird we were as kids. i want to have him again.

so i did what i hadn't done in over a year.

i decided to visit the harbor.

i knew the location like the back of my hand. who knows how many times we had visited this place together. it's where i told him i loved him. i hope i can still smell the love in the air.

i stood alone on the creaky boardwalk with my arms crossed over my chest and my dress blowing in the wind. even though it didn't really smell like love anymore it still felt special. like this was where i belonged.

i brought something with me even though i had no intentions of using them anymore: cigarettes.

i hadn't smoked in two years but i guess it was just a nice way to bring back some good memories.

i brought the cigarette to my mouth and lit it with my small lighter and inhaled the smoke deep into my lungs. it didn't feel refreshing, actually, it made me feel bad. but i ignored that as i took another drag.

"expect the unexpected", my mom said.

that's all i could think about when a hand i had studied for so long reaches from behind my shoulder, takes my cigarette from my hand, and throws it into the water.

"those are bad for you, kid."

i think the world stopped in that moments. the the earth stopped spinning and people stopped breathing and my heart skipped a beat.

i suddenly had the strong urge to cry and to laugh and to smile and to yell and to run and to hug him all at the same time. but i couldn't do any of that, so just stood still and didn't look at him because i knew if i saw his face i would want to kiss him. and i couldn't do that.

this made for a very awkward silence because neither of us knew what to say. so it was just silence. and i was just standing next to the boy who broke my heart a year ago.

i frowned, because this is not how i imagined seeing him again. i imagined i would run up and hug him and we would kiss and then later we would go out to eat and talk and kiss some more. i didn't imagine standing on a dock and wanting nothing more than to throw myself into the water so i could escape the awkward silence.

"it's been a year," he began. "and i don't even know what to say to you."

but that's the problem. we both knew what we wanted to say. i wanted to tell him how much i still love him and how much i missed him but i'm scared. i think we're both scared. and that scares me.

"why are you here, luke?"

i guess i was a little irritated at the fact he just walked up to me so casually. i haven't even looked at his face yet. i don't want to fall in love again.

"i dropped out of college and i got a job at the record store between 6th and 7th street. i just sort of woke up one morning and something was telling me to come back." he paused. "i think it's because i still-"

"don't say it." i whispered, finally turning his way and looking him in the eyes. "don't say you still love me when you don't even know me anymore."

he looked sad. and i knew i probably looked worse. i could feel the tears burning in the back of my mind and my breath was starting to shake and i just didn't want to cry in front of him because i'm not a vulnerable little girl anymore, and he needs to know that.

"i do know you."

"no you don't, luke." i decided this was a good time to walk away because i didn't want to fight with him. i didn't want to fight at all. i took a few steps away from until i could hear him speaking again.

"i know that you still like coffee every morning because i can smell it on your breath. i know that you don't like to look people in the eye when you're uncomfortable. i know that you still set your hopes a little too high and that's why you're walking away right now. i know that you walk around this town acting like hearing my name doesn't hurt you even though it still does after all these months." he paused for a moment. "i know that we both still love each other, and nothing you say or do is ever going to change that."

i didn't know i was crying until a breeze flew by and i could feel the coldness on my cheeks.

i could hear his footsteps from behind me and suddenly he was standing right next to me, his arm just a few inches away from mine.

"i may not know everything about you anymore," he whispered. "but i will happily let you show me."

and then, i smiled. i smiled because i was happy. i smiled because i finally knew we could make this work. i smiled because i was in love with luke hemmings all over again and i was completely okay with it.

i wiped my tears away and took a deep breath and watched the way the water flowed before us.

i grabbed his hand because it was a simple gesture and made me feel like everything was okay.

i wanted to lighten the mood because everything felt right but we were still getting there. i wanted to start over as new people, so i thought it would be a good idea to say something about myself.

"ham and cheese is still my favorite sandwich."

he laughed and i laughed and even though things weren't entirely put back together it sure as hell felt like it was okay.

love,

mercury

-

not the end lol we still have a few more letters

(ps, thanks 4 the sweatpants amelia they r so soft)