mercury || luke hemmings

letter eleven.

dear diary,

i went to the therapist today.

i walked into her office and i immediately hated it. everything was grey. the walls, the floor, the chairs, the desks, and even picture frames where grey. it was gloomy and sad.

she was sitting at her desk, writing something on her notepad, when i walked in. she looked up at me over the top of her glasses and smiled. her smile reminded me of someone, but i couldn't exactly put my finger on it.

"mercury!" she said overly-cheerful as she stood up from her desk and clasped her hands in front of her. "pleasure to meet you, please, take a seat."

the chair was uncomfortable. it wasn't stiff or anything, it was just too soft. my ass sunk so far down in it that i was pretty sure i would have trouble getting out of it.

mrs. reed was looking at a file, which i supposed was mine, when i took a good look at her. she looked about 40-50 years old, short blonde hair, faded blue eyes, and a nose that swooped up at the end. her lips were thin and covered in a red lipstick and it was obvious she was trying to hide some wrinkles under all the make she wore.

she laid the file down and took off her glasses and gave me a long, caring look.

"i want you to fill this paper out before we start anything." she said and handed me a clipboard with a pen. "take as much time as you need."

i clicked the pen once filled out  the paper carefully.

name: mercury ashton smith

age: 17

gender: female

reason for attendance: my mom thinks i'm depressed.

favorite thing to do: listen to music when i'm home alone.

favorite color: dark grey.

any past trauma?: yes.

any recent trauma?: no.

do you feel worthless?: sometimes.

have you ever had suicidal thoughts or actions?: in the past. i'm over them.

do you smoke, drink alcohol, or do drugs?: smoke, occasionally.

do you have any friends?: one.

do you like being alone?: yes.

have you ever been in a relationship?: no.

i finished the survey and handed it back to her. she looked over them then at me.

"you stated that you had past trauma. would you like to tell me what happened?" she said and folded her hands on her desk.

i shrugged. it was an uncomfortable subject but i'm not one of those moody teenagers who keep things bottled up.

"when i was fourteen, i fell in love with a girl. she was my best friend. she was also straight. i just hid my feeling for a while but you can only do that for so long until you burst, y'know? i kissed her one night. she told me i was disgusting and that she hated me. it mentally destroyed me and i just pushed everyone away. it's been a few years and i'm over it, i promise i'm over it, but it still hurts sometimes."

"so, you're lesbian?" mrs. reed said.

"no," i shook my head. "bisexual. i like girls and boys."

"hm," she wrote a few things onto her notepad turned her head to look at the clock a few times.

"what do you qualify as depression, mercury?"

"depression is sad. depression is a mean sort of sadness that you can't wash off of your skin or cover with sleeves because it lives in your mind and in your words and your eyes, especially your eyes. you don't fight depression, depression fights you. depression is a army of shadows that is always a few steps behind you and no matter how many leaps and jumps you take and no matter how many times you sprint or run its always there right behind you just waiting for you to turn your back and say "i'm yours". with depression comes self-harming and self-harming isn't just tearing your skin apart because you need someone to put their love into the cracks or your scars, no, self-harming can be re-reading a sentence that broke your heart a year ago or it can be buying yourself a dozen roses and pouring bleach on them because it reminds you of yourself. self-harming can be forcing yourself to play the same song on the piano for hours until your fingers bleed because one note reminds you of their voice when they said your name. it can come in text messages and random phone calls at 2am when everyone's asleep. depression can have a face and two arms and legs and can talk and breathe. depression is a human nightmare. it can whisper "i love you" in your ear and hold your hand during movies and it can blind you with lies and gag you with its words. depression is a three syllable word that comes in three million different forms. that is depression. i had that. had. i was not depressed because of a stupid girl who rejected me, no, i was over that within a few months but what destroyed me was finding a shoebox of wrinkled letters from my dad under my mom's bed and having to learn that my dad didn't even know i existed and that he slit his wrists just to escape the pain. i had to learn from fucking letters. letters. that's what dug into my mind and tore me into pieces. but, after a while, some of those pieces stuck back together and the army that was following me marched down a different path and even though i am sad i am not depressed, not anymore, and that's okay."

and then, i felt better. because i had never told anybody that. i had never let that out. it felt nice.

mrs. reed spent quite a while writing in her notebook which didn't really annoy me as much as i thought it would because i liked watching her write. she followed the words with her eyes.

"you are very smart, mercury. very smart. you can put your thoughts into words that not even i could think of." she smiled, and it made me feel accomplished, like i had done something right.

"now, moving on, you said you had a friend. are they nice?"

"yes. he's very nice. i like him. i hope we don't screw this up. it's kind if nice having someone to talk to besides my mom."

"describe him for me."

"well, his name is luke. he's really tall, and he likes to pick the grass when we sit down and talk. he doesn't like me to smoke, and he said that's because he used to smoke a lot and it messed him up. i don't really smoke anymore. he has these blue eyes that make me feel like a city and his eyes are the lights. he takes a while to tell stories, but i'm patient. he cares about me, and i like that, because it's nice knowing the other person cares about you just as much as you care about them."

mrs. reed was smirking at me and sighed. all she said to me was "luke's a very nice boy."

that caught me off guard. had she not him before?

"do you know him?"

all she did was shake her head yes. i left it at that. i'll probably ask him about it tomorrow.

and then i left. i went home and didn't do much but i was okay with that. and now i'm writing this letter.

and everything is okay.

with love,

mercury

-

holy shit i haven't updated in like four years but that's because i was busy and because i wrote like the entire chapter a week ago and then erased it because it was shit and then i wrote this and it took like six days just to write sorry

okay im literally about to fall asleep goodnight i like you

(p.s. luke hemmings has most likely masturbated in the last 2 weeks goodbye )