butterflies 🦋

the lonely castle in my heart

high walls
and locked gates
i don't let strangers in

but one by one
friend after friend
i let them in

the lonely castle in my heart

friends became traitors
and i didn't know who to trust
had i handed them the knife?

it's too late
they're here
and they can't leave

i lost the keys

because i want them to stay
i need them to stay
i'm scared of being alone

scared of my ever crazy mind
scared of everything
scared I wouldn't make it

without them

so i left the gates unlocked
opened the windows
and let light shine in

but it wasn't light
it was fire
flames that burned

flames they started to keep themselves warm

i put on fake smiles
and laughed at their jokes
even when the joke was about me

pretended everything was fine
when everything wasn't
trapped in a crowded dungeon 

with strangers i thought were friends
or once believed

terrified of being lonely
i don't say anything
i don't ask for help
or tell them to go away

i let the fire burn everything left of me
and instead i extend a hand
and help them help me hate myself

oblivious they've become
to how they treat me

how could they know i was dying inside
when i went on living?

how could they know their empty words
would ring a silence in my ears?

how could they know excluding me
would make me isolate myself?

day after day
week after week
year after year

new wounds opening old wounds
that never healed

pillowcases becoming wishing wells
when i cried myself to sleep and
wished for better friends and
wished for the confidence to let them go

they went on their own
with no warning
left with no goodbye
that's what i wanted

isn't it?

for them to go
to leave me alone
alone with my thoughts
that wander every direction 

what did i do wrong?
was it something i said?
or didn't say?
or did?
or didn't do?

what was the purpose of
coming into my life
if they weren't going to stay?

when i leave the lonely castle in my heart
i go back to old ways
and to old days
and see if anything's changed

it hasn't

ignoring me like they hadn't invaded my space
acting like i never existed in the first place

and so i go back to
the lonely castle in my heart
feeling something new
feeling something change

a new beginning
a new protection growing
to keep me safe
from future intruders

i heal
very slowly
but i heal