butterflies 🦋

platonic

i never thought romantic love
could feel so platonic
that your boyfriend
could seem like a casual friend

he calls me "babe" and "my love"
and sends me 'good morning' texts
but is that all that's required
of a so-so caring boyfriend?

to acknowledge me once
and go about his day
promise to call, forget my existence
until it's time for the 'good night' texts?

to sit so far
while in the same room
and avoid my touch
like i somehow offended him?

to set a time limit
of when he expects skin-to-skin touching
when he's too much a coward
to simply hold my fucking hand?

how does he expect
all of me later
when he can't handle
a part of me now?

no compliments
no hand holding
no teasing or flirting
am i his girlfriend or just a friend?

i am his girlfriend
or i think
i don't know
am i?

i send him memes and pictures
that remind me of us
or how i hope they do

i call him pet names
and tell him sweet words
to get him through stressful days

i respond when he texts
and wait by the phone for hours
for his dry, half-assed response

it does make me a girlfriend
or at least a good one
a decent one
does it?

i'm close with his family
and accept them as my own
i give him space
when he asks for it

i don't push over his boundaries
even though he asked me to
i am so patient
and gentle and hopeful

hopeful that his distance
doesn't mean anything
that he truly means it
when he says he misses me

yet he doesn't talk to me

hopeful that even though
he doesn't compliment me
or hold my hand
that he's attracted to me

he says he is
but how am i to believe
his quiet words?

his temper had been loose lately
and i watch what i say
stop bringing up his empty promises
and my heart hurts when he lashes out

he makes asking to call
feel like burdens
he says i'm frustrating
when i tell him my problems

hopeful that these are just bad days
because when he lays by my side
and finally touches me
i feel it's all worth it

but i have to remind myself
that 'he's sleeping,
and if he were awake
he wouldn't be this close to you'

i tell him how i feel
how i miss him so much
that i cry in the shower
how i just want to be near him

i tell him what's bothering me
what's wrong with us
that something's changed
'what's up with you?'

he tells me he wasn't ready
two months and a day later
he finally tells me
he's not fucking ready

to commit to a relationship
he knew he wasn't ready for
and he strung me along and wasted my time
and left me the fool

i want to hate him
but i still love him
i want to love him
but i still hate him

we go no contact for a bit
and that's the worst pain i've ever felt
then you text me out of nowhere
to ask how i'm doing

'i'm fine'
lie
i want to die
but i can't tell you that

it's weird, we're still friends
kind of
your sister is my best friend
and i love her to death

i won't give her up
i can't let you make me
so i bite my tongue and
tuck my heart under my sleeve

eventually, i'm not so heartbroken anymore

but things are still weird
and will never be the same
even if we can finally
talk face to face

because deep down
i'll never move on
and i'll spend the rest of my life
wondering if you ever truly liked me