Evan "Buck" Buckley-Nash

14. Fear

13 had come fast, and the Grant-Nash parents couldn't believe they were now raising a teenager. Buck had recently started the new school year, and seemed to be on an amazing track. Work was going well for all of the adults and May was growing like a weed. Family dinners were the highlight of Buck's day now. He rarely focused on his old home.

The thoughts and memories were all still there, but they were less present as he now had so many great memories with his forever family, they foreshadowed the bad unless it was a rough day. The boy's therapy was cut back which he was thrilled. He felt healthier and better, he was still self conscious of his scars and definitely his past, but most of it was behind him.

Evan would be lying if he said he felt completely stable now. He was accepting of his past, and was able to have enough self worth to not doubt everything he was told, but he still had late nights where staring at the ceiling deep in thought was his forte.

Allen. The boy is stuck in his head and he didn't know why. He's been his focal point of thought since that stupid nerf gun fight when he was 12. Buck couldn't have feelings for him, he's a boy, that's not who Evan is. Evan is straight, and Evan only likes girls. Evan doesn't think about how he might have had a crush on his best friend at his old home before moving into Bobby's apartment four years ago, and he definitely doesn't wonder where the boy is now.

Evan also doesn't wish he could steal his mother red nail polish and paint his own nails with it. That would be gay, and he isn't. He just can't be. He's never considered wearing pink, and he doesn't even think about how much he loves how boys with makeup on look, or have the urge to get his ears pierced when a girl in his English class showed off her doubles she got over the weekend. He just couldn't.

Allen was his best friend and he was a happy guy, Buck was envious of his freedom.

Bobby went to the wake the boy who was already up which of course concerned the father.

"I'm fine." Buck mumbled before his Dad could even ask.

Next time Buck did have therapy he wanted to talk about his sexuality crisis, that he was just learning about, the confusion and thoughts were overwhelming, but he was far too afraid and uncomfortable. He could never be anything but straight.

Yet, he and Allen grew closer and eventually Buck didn't mind having Allen hug him. He yearned for his hugs, when they had sleepovers at the other boys home and at night they'd get real close to one another under the blanket until Allen was practically on top of Buck. He wasn't gay, but he knew and understood his feelings for Allen.

Hen came over introducing her wife to everybody. Buck watched them all night to find out nothing, but he couldn't be gay.

Hen noticed the small teenager watching her and Karen all night and finally found a time to sneak away and ask him what was going on.

Buck shook his head. "Nothing." His voice was panicked.

She nodded holding back her questions. "Alright, do you need something?"

Buck shrugged and she waited for him to think on it. "No I'm okay." He concluded biting his lip, but that was a lie. He feels like he's falling apart.

"Alright, I'm here for ya if you need something." She said being sure the boy nodded before she rejoined the adults on the couch.

Months passed and Buck was growing more irritated with himself. He didn't like the feelings he was having and in his mind they were wrong and bad. He just couldn't like Allen like that.

He started googling for answers and didn't like the results about internal homophobia.

He finally snapped and was crying in the shower sitting on the shower floor letting the heavy water drops beat onto his back and neck relentlessly.

He ended his shower with a headache and puffy eyes. "I can't anymore." He whispered to himself.

The next morning he asked out a girl and she said yes. Buck concluded he liked women, as he did like Ally, just not the way he loved Allen.

He dated her anyways and she loved the praise. Buck was sure to parade her around and show everybody he has a girlfriend just incase they thought he was gay for Allen.

Allen was crushed, but could see through the facade as much as he understood Buck liked woman, it was clear that they felt the same for one another. He asked Buck if they could hang out and he said he was busy with Ally.

Buck canceled plans for a few months until Allen gave up and started ignoring the boy. As soon as he did Bucks world crumbled. He hated school without Allen, he hated how lonely he felt. He begged the kid to talk to him again.

"Then tell me how you really feel." Was his response as they stood in front of the bus in the afternoon. "Tell me why you're doing this."

"I just can't be-" he cut himself off shaking his head.

"Why not? You told me about Michael."

"But- my Dad wouldn't like it."

"Bobby? Why would he let Michael be May's Dad too?"

Buck shook his head. "No." His voice was pained. "Never mind." Tears formed in his eyes. "I can't talk about it anyways no reason to try."

Allen was so confused as Buck just got onto his bus leaving him there. Allen knew Bobby wouldn't mind, and Athena's best friend has a wife. He didn't understand.

Buck got home and broke down before he could get the front door shut.

"Buck?" Michael said confused and worried as he carried May to find the kid on the ground in tears. "Kid what's going on? What's happening?"

He put May in front of the tv as Buck continued to be overwhelmed with his thoughts and emotions he'd been bottling up for months now.

"I can't do it anymore." It's too hard. He cried and Michael went to hug the child and comfort him but Buck flinched away. "No." His voice was unsteady and full of stutters.

"Alright kid, can we just relocate from away from the front door? When your mom and dad get home they're going to hit you with the door."

Buck nodded and made his way to standing despite his shaking body that protested and wanted him to collapse back onto the floor. He sat the kid on the couch and kept his distance.

"Did something bad happen with kids today?"

"No." He muttered back. "Everything's fine."

"People who are fine don't come home and fall into the floor crying and they don't tell people that 'can't do this anymore.'" Michael paused. "Can you tell me what you can't do?"

"I'm just overwhelmed right now and my best friend is mad at me."

"Why's he mad?" Michael asked with a frown.

"We got in an argument and he doesn't like Ally."

Michael nodded. "Well you'll learn later that Ally doesn't have to be everything. You can still hang out with your friends too."

Buck didn't like his answer but he knew it was true, but Allen was different. He couldn't see Allen and have a relationship with somebody else. "Can I-can I go to my room?"

"Sure kid." Michael sighed in defeat and the boy got up and closed his door.

"Bucky sad." May said with a frown.

~~

After another week Buck broke up with his girlfriend because he felt guilty for lying about his feelings. Buck watched her cry in his morning classes with her. He's a terrible person.

He walked through the halls lonely all day until he ran into Allen who gave him a sympathetic smile that he didn't deserve.

"Sorry about Ally, if you need anything I'm here for ya." He sounded genuinely sad.

Buck was surprised, "after everything?"

"What else are best friends for. If you ever need anything Buck you can talk to me about it. I know I've been ignoring you, but that day by the buses freaked me out." Buck got chills thinking about it. "Just I care about you alright."

"Okay, thanks."