Evan "Buck" Buckley-Nash

15. Decline

Buck watched his little sister as his head swarmed with thoughts.

"Hey Dad?" He asked from the living room as his father cooked dinner.

"Yeah?" He called back.

Buck walked over to his father and Bobby grew worried seeing his persona. His head was down and his shoulders were slumped as he picked at his fingernails. He waited patiently for him to continue.

"So, I don't really want to talk about this okay? So please don't make it a big deal." He himself sounded fearful which didn't help ease Bobby's mind.

Buck glanced into Bobby's eyes making the man realize he hadn't answered yet and was in his head. "Okay kid, you can come to me about anything what is it?" He hoped that was supportive enough.

Buck nodded and his eyes went back down. "I think I need to go back to therapy more." He said lowly almost ashamed.

Bobby let the wave of concerned thoughts wash over him and instead of asking the millions of questions, hugged his boy who clung onto him for support. "Okay." He kissed the top of his head. "Thank you so much for coming and telling me that. You're so strong, and I'm so proud of you for having the courage to come to me about this. Like you said, we don't have to talk about it, but I like knowing you'll have somebody to speak too."

"Thank you."

That night when Athena climbed into bed after her late shift Bobby had a distant look in his eyes.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

"Buck told me before dinner he needs to increase therapy sessions again."

"He said that to you?" Athena asked trying to imagine the small 13 year old outright stating that.

"Yeah, something has got to be wrong, but I haven't-I thought he was good. He's better at hiding things now."

"The important part of this is that he came to you. He didn't let it get too bad. He trusted you enough to tell you he needed help, just like we taught him, he reached out."

~~

The first day of Christmas break Buck had Allen sleepover. The boys were in Buck's room as Michael put May down for a nap.

"Did you tell your parents yet?" Allen asked as he put his hand on top of Buck's.

Buck pulled his hand away. "No, there's nothing to tell them. I don't even know who I am right now."

"Did you tell your therapist?"

He shook his head. "I don't trust that she won't tell my Mom or Dad."

"What about Michael?"

"No. Just stop I'm a coward okay. I don't want anybody knowing until I do. It's about me." Allen nodded with a sigh and Buck continued. "I mean how are you so sure you're gay or even like guys?"

"I just do, plus I kissed one and I felt butterflies."

"Butterflies." Buck said nodding with a confused face.

"Yeah like that feeling in your stomach and it's filled with excitement."

Bucks face went pale as his memory pulled his butterfly moment to the front of his mind.

"What?" Allen questioned.

"Nothing, I'll be on the lookout for butterfly moments."

Allen nodded and leaned closer to Buck. "How about I try to give you some?"

Buck shivered and felt the feeling in his stomach immediately. He hated it, but he loved it at the same time. "How?" He sounded so hesitant Allen frowned.

"Buck you're allowed to be happy, even if you think other people will be unhappy with you. This is your life, you need to live it the best you can, which is by being your true self."

"I don't know who that is."

"Then let's find out." He got closer to Buck clearly going in for a kiss but Buck softly pushed him away.

Allen opened his eyes with a hurt expression as Buck began talking. "I'm not ready."

"Okay." Allen said trying to be respectful but he didn't quite understand what Buck was so afraid of. "Why don't we just stick to cuddling?" Buck nodded.

~~

Buck continued to struggle internally with his thoughts. He thinks he's bisexual, or so that's the word Allen taught him about and it seemed to fit alright. He was going to be 14 soon so he understood anything could change, he just wanted to know himself, but he felt like he couldn't tell any adult without rejection or then telling his parents. He continued to suffer silently.

A few days before Bucks birthday Bobby asked him about a girl he brought over, who was just a friend he was doing an English project with. Bobby asked if they were dating and Buck got angry.

"She's my friend." He said annoyed with his Dad. "I don't even like her like that."

Bobby noticed he stuck a major nerve and backed off quickly. "Alright, why don't you help me clean up dinner."

Upset Buck just went to the sink and started rinsing dishes and as Bobby put the leftovers into Tupperware and into the fridge.

"Hey Dad?" Buck said hesitantly not even knowing why he's talking.

"What bud?"

Buck bit his lip. "Um, did you know Allen doesn't like girls?" Buck couldn't even say the word gay out loud he mentally curse himself for his internalized homophobia.

Bobby nodded. "I mean no he's never told me, but I guessed that."

Buck nodded insinuating that Bobby then assumed he was straight since he asked if the girl was his girlfriend but never if Allen was his boyfriend.

"Why do you ask?" Bobby then questioned curiously.

Buck shrugged. "Just wondering because you and Mom let him sleep over, but girls aren't allowed too."

"That's different." Bobby said said back to him.

"And what if I didn't like girls either?" The words shot out of his mouth before he even thought about it just to retaliate against his Dad.

Bobby looked at his son and sighed. "Well, do you like girls?" Was his next only logical question.

Buck stood in the kitchen now with his arms crossed and his head down.

"Buck?" Bobby said taking a step closer. "It's okay, you're an amazing kid and nothing is going to change that."

"I hate myself." The words came out with a deep passion and Bobby's stomach dropped. "I can't-" he began to cry.

"Buck you're my son, you're my child, you're my prized possession, you made me a Dad again. You're wonderful, please just tell me why you feel this way. I can get some help."

"No!" Buck yelled back. "I don't want more help!" He was so angry. "I don't need to sit in another room with another random person and have them manipulate me into talking about stuff I'm uncomfortable about then have them reporting it back to you!"

"Nobody is manipulating you." Bobby said calmly.

Buck made an angry sigh and stormed out of the kitchen to his room and slammed the door shut.

The boy immediately called Allen who picked up after the first ring. "Hey Buck what's up?"

Buck sniffled. "Can we hang out please? I know it's late but, I can't be here anymore."

"Sure, do you need me to pick you up?"

"No," his voice cracked. "You're only a few blocks away, I'm gonna walk over and try to calm down a bit."

"I'm gonna meet you halfway." Allen said staying on the phone with Buck but grabbing his shoes. "I need to tell my Mom where I'm going."

Buck grabbed a jacket and his shoes and put them on. He didn't see Bobby in the kitchen or living room anymore he was guessing he's with May now. So he went out the front door and took his bike.

"Take your bike." Buck told Allen, and then they met up halfway, Buck feeling no regret.