Evan "Buck" Buckley-Nash

18. Ignored

When Bobby came home from work he kissed his partner and greeted his youngest 2 children. Buck was at the kitchen counter and Bobby said nothing to him and went to his room.

Buck's stomach dropped at the action and fear coursed through his entire body. He's been ignored. For the first time since he's left his abusive home, Bobby's ignored him.

Buck told himself it was valid and he deserved it because of what he did. He always found a way to fuck things up, why wouldn't it be just before he's 18 where he can get kicked out of the house and left behind. Thoughts from nearly 10 years ago began to resurface as to why he doesn't deserve a loving family.

He tried to hold in the emotions he felt and went to his room. He got under his blankets his room dark and wrapped himself up in them thinking about how he's just ruined the one thing that kept him alive.

He refused to leave his room even when May came in and asked him to watch a movie with her. He told her to leave him alone and to close his door on her way out.

His nightmares were already worse than usual lately, he wasn't sure why. Every year around the fall time they did, he was starting to convince himself he had some repressed memories, which wouldn't be shocking, at least not to him.

Bobby and Athena don't even know half of the shit that's traumatized him. They think they know everything, but they don't, and he hopes they never will, because he'd never be able to talk about it.

He fell asleep with the crushing sensation of being alone that he hasn't felt since he was 9 years old. He cried himself to sleep and cried when he woke up in the morning when the feeling was still there.

His Dad was there in the morning and pushed a plate of food towards him and then retreated to the living room.

Bucks stomach dropped again and he felt sick. A clear distinct memory collage passed over his head of the many many times that was his only time he was given attention at his old home. He was given a plate of food.

He pushed the plate back to where Bobby pushed it from and went back to his room without eating. He didn't deserve it after what he put his Dad through. Buck never noticed when he was younger, but once middle school hit, he noticed the lack of alcohol in the home, and how after a bad call Athena would watch him closely. They'd tip toe around each other for a few days and then everything would get back to normal.

Buck didn't even know his Dad was in AA until he found the chips when he was trying to find a new razor head and was going through Bobby's things. He didn't realize he wasn't the only one keeping parts of his past a secret. For a while it bothered him, until another bad call happened and he started leaving a lot. Buck asked him where he was going and Bobby actually told him the truth.

He just had to ask and his Dad was willing to share his personal life with him. Something about it made Buck shiver because he'd never be able to just openly talk about his issues, he can't even properly speak to a therapist and he's been doing that for almost a decade. She still has to pry information out of him on most days.

She told him that was okay, and it has to do with his past, but he gets so frustrated with himself for being so closed off, yet he can't fathom to not be.

Bobby watched his son push the plate away and go back to his room. It concerned him, but he was not in the right headspace to comfort him. He cracked his knuckles anxiously and went back to caring for Harry.

He needed to snap out of his mental funk and he knew that, but seeing his son in the bathroom with slurred speech, uneven pupils, and just rambling on and on about how much he enjoyed his high. Bobby's hands began shaking again as he rethought on the night. He needed to get himself under control before he even thought about talking to Buck about it.