Evan "Buck" Buckley-Nash

16. Open Arms

Allen was worried about the boy he's had a crush on for over 2 years. They went to the park they frequently visited after school and that's when Buck's phone rang for the first time. It was his Mom, he declined.

"Shouldn't you answer?" Allen said confused as he's never seen Buck be anything but respectful to both his parents.

Buck just shook his head and leaned into Allen. "I don't know why I feel like this."

"What do you mean?" Allen asked.

Buck gulped and tried to control himself. "Wrong. I know how I feel about you, the butterflies, the loneliness I feel when you leave, but it's bad. I can't be gay."

"Why not? I don't think your parents will be mad with you."

Bucks inhaled was a deep shaky stutter. "So it's obvious I was adopted right?"

"I figured."

"Right, and it's been awhile since I've even thought about talking about this so give me a second." Buck said and stood up and began pacing on the playground.

Allen watched intently but stayed silent and Buck rejoined him after a few minutes with the clearest head and mind he could manage at the moment.

"Bobby adopted me when I was 9." He started and already Allen stopped him.

"You weren't a baby? I figured you've always been with them."

Buck shook his head. "When I was 9 he adopted me because my parents died in a fire."

"That's why you have the scars." Allen said nodding gently as things were starting to make more sense.

"I started the fire." His voice grew weaker. "I didn't mean too, it was an accident, but you have to understand the situation I was in at the time." Buck looked at Allen who nodded for him to continue.

Buck took a deep breath. "They ignored me. They didn't want me to be with them, if I talked to them they would pretend like they didn't hear me. If I missed the bus my Dad would scream at me but I'd never get a ride to school. I had no birthday parties, I wasn't allowed to have sleepovers. If I asked to go to a friends they'd just never answer me."

"I'm sorry." Allen said his own eyes tearing.

"I know you moved here when middle school started, but I was a wreck in elementary school. I was constantly getting into trouble, I really gave Bobby a hard time and a run for his money."

"But I don't think you have to be afraid of what he and Athena would think."

"But I am. It's weird because yeah I'm not that kid anymore, but deep down I am. I'm still feeling the effects of being neglected as a kid and I still feel unsafe."

"That's why they force you to go to therapy."

"Well yeah, but I used to get bad panic attacks whenever something happened that I couldn't control. I had real bad nightmares, I still do, I'm just able to hide them now since im older. They think I had ptsd." The boy inhaled deeply before continuing.

"Both Bobby and Athena think that I'm better than I am. They both think my past is just that, but it's still in my head. The only way to get my parents attention was to hurt myself. I'd do skateboard tricks and break my arm and they'd talk to me for 3 days. Or once I tried to do a flip off a rock and got a major concussion. I did a lot of really bad things so that I'd get attention."

"But you don't do that anymore."

"Well here I am running away and ignoring my parents calls. I don't know why I do this stuff. I don't like it, but a part of my mind thinks negative attention is fine because it's still attention."