I'm dead without you (omegaverse)

Dorian's day

It was in the middle of the night when Dorian woke up with a jerk. He sat up straight, his heart pounding in his chest, and cold sweat covered his naked body. Dorian panted as if he had been chased, and it felt like he couldn't breathe. He needed air.

On each side of him were his husband and mate. Finian had his back to him and hugged his big belly. Shiro was on Dorian's left side, lying more on him than on the mattress. Shiro's legs were over Dorian's firm thighs, and one of Shiro's arms held Dorian's chest in a steady grip. Normally, the omega's half-naked body against his would affect him, but not now. It felt like he was suffocating. Trembling but very gently, Dorian moved Shiro to the side and then, on light steps, he got out of the bedroom. He started running, through the living room, into the corridor and out into the hall. He tore open the door and dashed out of the house. The cold fresh air welcomed him, and he filled his lungs and carefully released the air again. He continued like that until he felt his breathing calm down and his heartbeat steady. Exhausted, he sat down on the stairs and leaned forward, his arms resting on his thighs, his head almost between his knees. He remembered the dream so clearly. He had been in the middle of the ocean, and he was struggling to stay above the surface. It was so painfully cold, and the almost black waves that washed over him were as tall as buildings. There was something beneath him, something that stretched up from the depths of the sea. Something that tried to grab his legs, but it couldn't reach him. Yet. But it was close. Dorian could feel it getting nearer for every minute he was in the water. A little closer, and he would be dragged down into the pitch-black abyss.

And just as the thing grabbed him and he was about to be pulled down below the surface, he woke up. Dorian knew why he had that dream. He didn't feel well, but he didn't want to admit it, not to himself or anyone else. But Dorian could no longer deny it. He was about to break apart. It felt like everything had become too much for him to handle. Whatever he did, no matter how hard he tried, someone in his family always ended up hurt. It was his job to take care of them, to make sure they were safe. He had failed as an alpha, father, husband and mate.

Dorian really tried, he did his best, but it always felt like he screwed up no matter what he did.

It all started when he met Shiro and acted like a real ass. Dorian still hated himself for how horribly he had treated Shiro. Wonderful, kind-hearted, soft, beautiful Shiro. How could he have behaved like that? How could he hurt someone as precious as Shiro? Shiro, who meant the world to him. He hadn't even managed to protect him from the woman who tried to kill him. Dorian hadn't been there for him.

And what if he had been more attentive during Shiro's release party, so Eamon wouldn't have been alone when he met Tem for the first time? Dorian knew he could have stopped Eamon from bonding with Tem. They would still have met each other, but they would have been able to choose when and if they wanted to bond. Perhaps when Eamon wasn't a minor anymore and could do the things a pair needed to do. It would have been their choice to make. And his little baby girl. It was his fault she was a prime alpha. If only he hadn't been one, then she would have been spared from all the pain it brought.

Dorian knew very well how hard it was to be a prime alpha. The dominating pheromones scared people, the intense need to protect your family consumed you. It wasn't like Dorian wanted to be like this. So desperate trying to make sure that nothing would happen to his family. If he could, he would split himself into several parts and watch over those he loved. Not to control how they choose to live their lives, but to keep them safe from harm. He hadn't been able to help them, and Dorian was convinced that he was completely useless. And the feeling grew bigger with each passing day. It gnawed at him, spread like cancer, and infected every single cell in his body.

The joy Dorian had felt over the news of the triplets had turned to anxiety and self-loathing. Shiro was so small. How would he be able to carry three children without getting hurt? Dorian should have known better. He should have used protection and not just left the responsibility to Shiro. Even if Dorian was happy to have children with his mate, he still couldn't stop blaming himself for the things Shiro surely would go through during the coming months.