12.42 December 8 2021
Mother
She's always unhappy with me and I can see why. I whine a lot, I make her upset often and I make jokes a lot as well. My mom is a hot headed serious type of mother and things like that will often upset her. But why is it always fine if she makes a joke about my intelligence and my health? Is it because of her age? Does that mean I have to stay silent all the time? Do I not have any freedom? At the end of the day it all sums up to one conclusion. Its that she loves me but sometimes I get in her way. For example today I wore a oversized shirt and there were men outside my door. I didn't get out of the door but she got mad at me either way. She was just misunderstanding me. The reason she was mad in the first place was because she cared about me. I just didn't feel the same way about her. And I know what your thinking... "but she gave birth to you!" If I'm being honest, I didn't want to be alive in the first place. I know that I'm just an ungrateful kid but that's how I really feel. If killing yourself wasn't a sin I would've been dead by now. A common saying is "People want what they don't have" and I can confirm that statement is rather true. I don't care about the money, I just care about how others treat me. Im trying to be the best version of myself so I can get the love I always wanted. As long as I can continue to make others laugh, I will remain enough in their eyes. Once I lose my humor I will be an outcast, a stranger, I probably won't even exist in anyones eyes. Noone will ask me how I'm doing and no-one will notice anyway. As long as my humor stays with me, I will stay relevant and I Will be valued, noticed, important. I am aware that I will give in to insanity at some point and lose all of my control over my own mind.
Insanity
I commonly get thoughts in my head that I don't want others to hear nor understand. Its like the voices in my head are telling me to do things I'm not supposed to. I don't know how long I can withstand these thoughts and voices anymore. I might even lose my self consciousnesses tomorrow. And once I do I will finally be understood, feared but at the same time I will be a loner, I will have nobody to look up to and nobody to talk to. That was the big punishment for being the monster in everyones story. That punishment is why I haven't withdrawn to evil and keep my mind alright. I want to be enough at least, I don't want to be some type of monster that's lonely. The more I type my vents the more I realize how fake these sound and actually no, they aren't fake but people can believe what they choose to, I won't judge. Its just whenever I talk to my friends about these things they react like I'm crazy or that I'm lying to get their attention. Sure, I would love attention but I would never go that far for it. I knew nobody will believe me anyway so that's why I stopped venting about my mind and focus on more important things like how to make people proud of me and at the same time how to keep myself happy. Its difficult balancing two very hard things at once, 1 of those things being something that I have never achieved.
Making another proud of me.
I have trouble with making others feel proud of me, especially with my family. Sometimes they fake being proud for me and they think I cant tell. My family is very hard to impress. For instance my dad is a billionaire with very impressive IQ and the rest of my family all are millionaires with their own businesses. The ones that talk to me the most always got decent grades in school, so what does that make me? I don't make money, I don't have a business, Im also barely passing my classes. There is always one subject which I fail. Even when I pass all of my subjects I don't get a "I'm proud of you" or a pat on the back... All I get is a "you should try better next time to make me impressed."
Confidence
No doubt will others describe me as an narcissistic kid. When I was a child I would always get complimented by my parents friends. Often sayings I would get is "What a pretty child" or "What a Wonderfull talent to have." I took all of those compliments for granted. I thought that luck was on my side and that I could continue to have that cute and talented me but I was heavily mistaken. After a while I lost interest in art and my singing teacher stopped teaching.I would say that my beauty is still relevant but only in mirrors for now, devices don't work for my face and it all makes me look ugly. Deep down though, I know that I was a pretty human being with various flaws like personality, mindset and emphathy. Now for singing my teacher quitting her job was a big issue cause my dream was now crushed. I didn't like any other vocal teacher and singing has always been my dream. At that point in life I realized singing was never an option for me. How could I possibly want to be a singer when I don't even have the confidence to sing on stage unless forced to? It was true, I was always asked to sing on stage cause everyone loved my voice. I never knew why but my singing was actually loved by many when I was a child. It took quite a while for my talent to be noticed and some people that know me still ask me to sing to this day, no-one dared to force me though, cause they all knew that I wasn't as good as I used to be. I always decline singing offers now due to no-one forcing me and also due to me having million of voice cracks. The only way to be good again was to have lessons again but of course I denied every teacher my parents could find for me. I had the passion to be a singer but no motivation, "you better just give up on being a singer" my mom told me. I ended up giving up on singing and just choose to switch talents although I still sing today by myself.
Talents
During grade 4, I saw a violin player and was immediately inspired to play violin. Deep in my heart was passion so I instantly talked to my mom about it and she immediately encouraged me. After a few months I have already lost the passion but still had the motivation to keep going and so I did. But once corona affected my life I was forced to take online classes. Of course I didn't want to do online classes since I barely learn from them and there goes me losing motivation to play violin. Another talent lost, another one to go. Few months has passed and I found few talents, editing videos and editing photos. And as you guessed the same thing happened for editing photos, in 6 months passion and motivation was lost, If I could turn back time I would've forced myself to keep my editing photo talent cause it got me a cheat code into life and It could've been useful for future purposes. Unfortunately I sticked with the most useless talent, editing videos. I still have both motivation and passion to continue it and its been about 1 year but this talent is so dumb and useless. Noone cares about video edits and everyone always misunderstands it. Everyone will always see it as a easy thing to do, which leads this talent to have 0 value, it also doesn't get me recognized and it doesn't give me friends. Even my parents aren't proud of this talent so It didn't take me a long time to see it as useless. At the end of the day I realized that the used to be gifted me is now gone and getting her back is almost impossible.
