19.46
a repeating cycle
Life is a repeating cycle. Wake up, eat, fake emotions, go to school, stress, and sleep. Almost all humans do that and it's impressive. The only thing that makes us different is our personalities. Although a majority of the personalities are made up. As humans we all fake something each day, it could be to not hurt someone's feelings, to get approval from others, or to feel better about yourself. The only thing that makes us unique is how we fake things. Some people do it by appealing nice and sensitive to gain sympathy and friends easily, some act tough and strong to radiate fear around them, and some act calm to get praise from people. Everyone is fake, being yourself will get you nowhere. It will only end up with people getting disgusted by how you are. Some have even told me that I'm trying to be cool and different. Humans live this life every day and don't get bored. Wonder why? Entertainment. Some get it by hurting themselves, some get it by hurting others, and a few gain it by wasting things like money, time, and people. Of course, it doesn't always have to be this way. After years of living the same old boring life, you get to be an "adult" and start a business or be a part of one. and what's better? you can indulge in different entertainment since you're an adult now. Adult life includes alcohol, cigarettes, vaping, drugs, murder, stripping, rape, fights, etc. Without entertainment, I bet humans would cease to exist. We would all get bored and eventually end our own life HAHAHAHAHAH.
Love
Love? What is love? In my definition, it is a feeling that makes us pathetic. Just a month ago, I met someone that I much love. Id do anything for them, that's how much I love them. Id even kill people if I have to. That's how pathetic it makes us. It's almost even funny to me. I always laugh when I see someone rushing to get a partner. Cause it's never worth it, they will just end up like me. Play with many people's hearts till I get bored and as soon as I find someone I like, I go crazy for them. It's so fucking pathetic and I just don't want others to do the same. It's torture being in love, sometimes you fake what you feel to not hurt the other, although sometimes they hurt you. You feel a wide distance when you don't get attention from them, you feel the need to always have them by your side or you go crazy. You get jealous of the smallest things. That's the dark side of love, the part that no couple would want you to see. It makes us crazy, stupid, and pathetic. And not to mention, the moment your lover leaves you, it feels like the world just swallowed you, like you were alone under the rain for hours with no one.
Island
Not long ago, my mom promised a trip to go to Japan since I've been a good kid and have gotten good grades. But with the idea of offline school being a must now, I doubt I'm ever going to pass the exam. and the problem is that it's a must from my mom to pass or else she would punish me gratefully, sending me back to that island where I get tortured every day for a month, and then returning me back home. I still remember my last time there, the biggest torture of my life, it's like hell in there and id rather die than go back. Now I'm trying to think about how to survive my exam, even though I know deep down in my heart, that I'm going to fail. I failed life already. I failed myself mentally, academically, and emotionally. Maybe if I wasn't as dumb I would be proud of myself and happier. What's the point of being strategically smart if you cant use it for grades. Now I'm sitting in my room, thinking about how I've failed.
Authors notes
Must be weird, I haven't written in a long while and now here I am. The love thing kept me busy for a really long time hahaha, and so did my work. but I guess now I'm back, damaged again, in need of repairment, in need of releasing pain. ahh dear sweet life, I cant wait to die again. I know I'll enter hell but at least id know the people I've left here, In this world would be happy I'm gone.
