16.47 January 20 2022
Blurry face
In my other vents, I often mention me being basically not visible. No-one notices me, no-one cares about me and I try everything just to get everyones attention. Sometimes I feel like my face is blurry, maybe that's why people don't notice me. All I wanted was for someone to notice me, to look at me, I don't care what comes after. I knew those words will bite me back soon enough and they did. Today, I wasn't wearing a shirt and I accidentally dropped something, so of course I went to get it and my mom screamed at me. But this time, I responded differently.
Sick
I was tired. I just responded angrily. I was sick of everything. My work, my family, my friends. I AM DONE. I AM SICK OF ALL OF THEM. My school gives me so much stress and 2022 has just started. My friends were being more of a dick to me and I can sense them being tired of me already. At the same time my family has been more less and less supportive. I didn't know why but I couldn't even keep my feelings anymore. That caused me to respond to my mom in an angrily way when she confronted me. I know her intention was right but the way she confronted me wasn't correct. I got so fired up, its like fire was inside me. Probably from all of the emotional trauma inside me. I snapped towards my mom, I didn't yell or anything, but I gave her a very serious stare. I can tell it intimidated her cause she immediately backed off. I think she realized that whatever she's gonna do to me, I won't react, and...she was right. She could hit me and I wouldn't even react cause I was done, I was tired of this simulation that I'm living in. Something exciting is just waiting to be done.
Murder
We all have intrusive thoughts right? But of course most of us don't act upon them. Well, Ive had few murder plans and was ready to make my new one, just a few days ago, I was luckily still slightly sane so I discontinued my plan and never acted upon it. Ive also stopped taking my pills for an event that I have to go to. Im not sure if my statement is correct but I believe that my antidepressants make me gain weight, and since I'm going to a cosplay event, I have to avoid gaining weight, and so... I started eating less. I was scheduled with a counselor today cause of my teachers and I think she's exposed my true self. We ended up on the topic of why I don't vent/express my feelings to others. She asked me why I don't vent and I responded with "Ive tried it before and it first went out nice. Soon people got tired of me venting, and one of my friend even got bored till all she said was ok. So I choose to never vent again." Then she Asked me "what do you feel about people treating you that way?" I responded with "at first I was sad, but after a while I got used to it." She asked me to be more specific about what I meant by "used to it" and I responded with "I started feeling nothing when they declined me." She proceeded to ask me "So, you numbed yourself?" And that's when it hit me.
Numb?
Numb myself? How could I? I thought to myself why would I do that and how dumb did I have to be, to do that to myself. My feelings are valid, why would I have numbed myself just so my feelings didn't need to be expressed? It sounded dumb right? If I am a narcissist then why don't I care about my feelings? It sounded like she was right but at the same time it sounded wrong. I would never numb myself. So I proceeded to tell her "I didn't numb myself, my feelings just died naturally." I didn't tell her when it started dying tho. The truth is, my emotions have started dying since last year, but it wasn't till the end of 2021 where it completely died. There was no more spark in this thing called a human. Its fucking with my head, my life is so tragic and still not a single soul cares about me. THEY ALL PRETEND TO CARE FOR ME BUT BEHIND THE SCENES THERE ALL TRAITORS. CREATURES THAT INVALIDATE MY FEELINGS. CREATURES THAT DESERVE ALL THE PUNISHMENT IN THE WORLD. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY DID FOR ME, CAUSE I DID MORE FOR THEM. YOU HEAR ME? I WONT STAND HERE WATCHING THEM NOT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT ME. I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR THEM BUT THEY NEVER ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIME BE THERE FOR ME TOO. I AM SICK OF BEING THE ONE THERE TO LISTEN TO THEM. THOOSE IMBECILES WILL GET THE TORTURE THAT THEY DESERVE.
