02.18 December 20 2021
Realization
My childhood days weren't bad, but they weren't exactly perfect either. There are more regrets in my childhood rather than my teenage years. I cant help but regret every second that I wasted. All of the time, money and knowledge I wasted in those 12 years. In school I never payed attention to the subjects, all I did was draw in class. Teachers spoke but it seemed like gibberish. Its like I cant hear them. What are they saying? WAS I EVEN LISTENING? Whats wrong with...me? All of the money wasted on this private school when I never even tried to learn. All the money wasted on these classes that I ignore. I wasted all that time and knowledge for dumb drawings and what makes it funny is that I DONT EVEN ENJOY DRAWING ANYMORE. Realization hit me. I cant feel anything, I have no useful hobby, I cant even make my parents proud, so then what does that make me?
Attention
I am a burden, no doubt on that. I am just a human with no purpose in this thing called "life", I just exist there. Maybe I turned out this way due to the way I was raised, but blaming my purpose on someone else is dumb. Some people actually got the same treatment as I did and turned out fine, so why am I not the same? I guess I am just different aren't I? I don't want to be different though, I want to be heard, to be noticed, just like everyone else. I beg of you, Please someone notice me. Im in a universe where I wake up, eat, regret, and sleep again. Not even a single person tries to check up on me, WHY DOES NOONE CARE? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? Someone please just tell me, I tried everything to be noticed. I have multiple personalities, Im loud, I talk to everyone and I comfort others, so why don't I get anything in return? Is it wrong to expect something from others? Mother, Father please hear me one last time, before I cease to exist. Please look at me. WHY WONT YOU LOOK AT ME? I TRIED EVERYTHING SO PLEASE JUST LOOK AT ME. Being the nice and normal kid never worked, I tried being the rude kid and that didn't work either, and now being the cold child doesn't work either so what exactly do you want from me? Am I just simply not enough for you? If I'm not I can disappear from your life right now, Id just like to see you notice me before I do.
Fair?
I never got a "I'm so proud of you" or a "look how you've come through". THIS ISN'T FAIR. How do other children have such a good and perfect childhood while I'm sitting with this. It was hard for me. I couldn't rely on anyone but myself. When I was bullied not a single soul defended me. When I got injured everyone laughed, everyone gave me lectures, no-one dare gave me medicine or tell me it was going to be alright. What did this turn me into? A empty human, depending on no-one. Getting good grades weren't a priority for me, as long as I pass nothing matters. So I was pretty left out. Noone was there to help me study so I never did. While other kids were having fun playing in the soccer field, I was getting extra lessons to fix my grades. It was...inconvenient. It led me to only have few friends, Usually one girl in a class would be friends with at least 10 students but I was always with 2 or 1. Maybe it was because people were scared of me or maybe it was because of me constantly being unavailable to play with them during free time. The only person to notice me was my grandpa, he always took care of me and was always protective of me. Sadly, we don't meet everyday like I do with my parents. I was determined to try harder cause my family were starting to notice me less and less. My grandma started getting more far away than I thought we would and my grandpa didn't have time to meet me often.
Despair
I was...blind. I did everything to get their attention, Jokes, pranks, cooking, drawing, screaming, crying, complaining, even hitting, but none of those worked. It took me 7 years to find out why. This entire time I was blind, they only wanted good grades and I was focusing on other things to grab their attention. I couldn't even give them the one thing that they've been asking for years. Now its too late. Ive disappointed my grandpa, grandma, mom and dad. Nothing is left for me but despair. They will barely even reply to me anymore. Im nothing but a mere shadow. I couldn't gain their attention and now I'm just a creature sitting with regret of not giving them what they wanted. This is a problem I created myself, a destruction I created with my own hands, and I'm here complaining about it? What is wrong with me? I am disgusting. Till this day, the regret of my childhood years still remain in my head, my thoughts are filled with despair. Theres no way I can fix this past that I destroyed myself.
