21.09 March 20, 2022
Someone?
Due to what my school counselor told me, it was better to stop venting here and actually vent to someone I know. And so she asked me to do a simple activity. All I had to do was to ask my friends if they were fine with me venting. But the problem is they used to get tired of me venting, so what was the point of asking that? My counselor insisted I do it and so I did. Some of them said that they were fine if I vented to them and it was normal meanwhile the closest one I was with told me that it's fine as long as I don't do it too much or she will get overwhelmed. And I just took that as an "I'm still tired of you" expression.
Used to it
Not long after that, I started venting to everyone I could think of. If they denied it or said no then id do it anyway the next day cause I didn't know what else to do. I guess I got addicted to spilling my sad life to people around me. Sometimes I forget that they have a life and the correct mental stability to be a person. They understand feelings like remorse and they feel it inside them. Meanwhile, I don't even have a slight feeling of remorse In me. I wish and aspire to be normal, and they just live having it in their body. They are able to cry freely when they feel sad. Meanwhile, my body doesn't even produce tears anymore. They are honest and polite, meanwhile, I am a liar. I lie about everything, even the smallest things and the worst part is I can't control it. They make people attached to them and I make people avoid me. It's hard to be normal, at least for me. It was the hardest and most hopeless point in my life, it was like my soul had been completely gone from my body. I didn't cry, I didn't feel angry, I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel pity, I felt completely nothing at that time. Not even anger or guilt.
Despair
It was the feeling of despair. A feeling I have been waiting to come. And on top of that, I couldn't fix the feeling. It's like I have fallen completely to the bottom of a dark pit. I had to admit, I did lose my mind and what made it worse was I felt cursed. Schoolwork kept pilling up and I didn't even do some math work. I was almost 100 percent sure I would have failed everything. So I thought. I should just die instead. But I didn't want to go down just like that, I wanted my death to be filled with so much despair that the world could remember every detail of it. It was stressful but you can't blame me, right? My family was mad at each other, they even gave up on me, my friends were distancing me and so did I, my teachers were tired of me, my grades felt hopeless. So I gave up on living. If I tried to fix my grades id still fail anyway and so what if I did? I just get a few hits from my parents and a few lectures and probably be the laughing stock of the family. But so what? I didn't care anymore. I couldn't even get my family back, they are the type to hold grudges so that would be impossible to talk to them again. And for my friends, if they were busy, who am I to disrupt them? By this time I'd forgotten about the teachers already, if I died they wouldn't care, but no one would actually, haha.
Hope?
It felt cramped that day. Nowhere to run, no one to talk to. But I endured it while in despair. Knowing everything will end terribly and just waiting for it to happen cause you don't care about what will happen anymore. I won't lie it did feel amazing. It felt exactly like Mikan described. To be exact, it felt Like the floor is collapsing, like the sky is falling down upon you. I was tired of the dumb lying issue I obtained from it all, I was tired of no one talking to me, I was tired of feeling lonely and hopeless. Despair was the only option. Made me feel great and there were no more worries once I accepted my state and how things will end up. So then it kept going on like this. I had to even travel to a different city to meet a loved one that I knew was disappointed In me. He still treated me with respect but I don't think that's how he actually wanted to treat me at the time. So in those last days before my grades came, I just kept sitting there with despair. And then my grades came and I was simply surprised, I passed all of my subjects. And what surprised me more was that I got better grades than I did last year. I was very stunned then proceeded to ask my mom to take me somewhere as a celebration and it first went all fine for the first few minutes then it progressed to her hating me again and that was when a bit of despair hit me back. Now I'm currently still in despair, it still hasn't left me, I hope it does soon though.
