02.31 December 26 2021
Execution
This is it. It's the feeling of losing everything. Despair? Yes, it is indeed despair. There is no more hope for me. My body has started becoming ugly, my mom has made lecturing and insulting me a daily hobby and I have given up on myself. Dying now is the perfect timing. There isn't anything to look forward to now. Friends? I feel like every single one of them has given up on me. Noone even cares when I vent on my story, no-one tries to help. As always. Family? What's that? Someone that's supposed to care for you? I don't get that. I don't get "I love you" or "I'm proud of you". Not even a sorry for hurting me. HAHAHAHAHAH. I get lectured everyday about what I do. If I eat too much they mention my weight and when I don't eat at all they get mad. I don't know what to do to make them proud anymore, even my grades weren't enough for them. I think I have come to the conclusion that I won't ever be enough for my parents. So be it. I won't try anymore. Ive been hurt enough. My soul is empty, to the point where my eyes don't even have light in them anymore.
Dead
My eyes...they're dead, so are my emotions. I don't feel anything. My eyes don't even see things positively anymore. I see everyone as either a tool or just someone irrelevant. People still try to talk to me but they never notice the signs of this deteriorating mentality. Ive been waiting years for it to get better but it never did. Just a few days ago was my 8th suicide attempt. Of course, it didn't go as planned. Life still wants me on the track, but if so...why am I the one getting punished for it? My daily expression now is a blank stare, no light, no emotion, no smile, not even insanity in it. It's just an empty, blank stare. Perhaps if you stare at these eyes for too long, you can see the world that's falling apart inside them. Even my friends have started to notice these dead eyes, but of course none of them thought it had anything to do with my mental health. Are my problems that irrelevant? I guess so. I realized it all now.
Mom and dad
I know you won't look at me, I know you won't notice my efforts, I know that I'm not enough for you and never will be. I hope that someday we can meet again, in a different world and be family again, just like we used to be. Unbroken and perfect. Happy. Equal. No cheating, no abuse, just perfect, like we always wanted to be. A happy pretty family, without problems, without all this violence, just peace. THATS ALL I NEED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Why did father cheat on such a pretty woman? How could he? And mom why are you letting it out on me? Please stop, I'm still your daughter right? The one you used to love? Why is my world twisting upon me? Oh please, Love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me, love me. GODDAMNIT WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME? If I close my eyes will this nightmare be over? This nightmare that I'm living? The one where my parents don't even realize I exist nor care about me? Just look at me, please. Thats all I'm asking. Even if it isn't in this world, I'm willing to do anything for me to be noticed and be appreciated by you, mom and dad.
Friends?
I see your efforts of wanting to be friends with me, but I know exactly why. None of you guys actually like me. All of your acting is fake. I can see right through you. Your just using me to get into my friend group which I LEAD. None of you guys are even interested in me. Im just your 2nd choice for you. Im just here as a backup. None of you even notice nor care about my mental health either so why am I still here? Why am I still with you guys? Is it my duty to be your 2nd choice or do I just care about you guys too much when you don't even care about me? Yea maybe that's the case. If there isn't hope anymore why am I even still here? I should start planning my 9th suicide attempt. I really want to try doing a car crash again but it never works for me, Im pretty sure I've tried it about 6 times. Overdose failed on me as well and so was another suicide attempt that I don't feel the need to mention at the moment. I wonder what my next suicide attempt will be.
