13.10 January 2022
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I am close to departure. Close to leaving this world. Not by my own force. But a disease that might kill me soon. I guess this is my waking up call. I never realized how precious life was till the point I might cease to exist. It's funny, really. Even at this point in life, my family won't say that they're proud of me. All they told me was "You should've took care of yourself. You never listen to me." And all I can do is smile, even though inside I'm so shocked by this disease. So suddenly it came. This is what I wanted right? Death, right? So why am I avoiding it? Do I not want it anymore? Or maybe...All I wanted was to live, but not like this. Not with this ungrateful family, not with my fake self. I want something real. A life well spent. Where I don't act or do what the bad guy does, but one where I am the good guy. Helping others, making them smile, making everyone proud, comforting others...and taking care of myself along with it.
People
Why do I do this to myself? Why don't I take care of myself? All those people worried for me and I still cant make an effort to change. Even I realize that I might die soon but I still don't make an effort to change. Am I going to die as the villain? I don't want that. All I want to do is be nice, but looking at other peoples suffering just makes me smile too much. Even at my dying point I do not act like the regular human. I didn't repent, nor did I ask for forgiveness to the people I've hurt. I just...stay the same. A human without the abilities that regular humans have. Some of my friends worry about me, and some other people just look at me in disgust. This cant be me right? I have to listen to the rest. But I cant. I don't know where to start. Where do I start for taking care of myself? How will I even accomplish good health? A good mentality? All of it is too hard. And of course, I cant forget my hardest goal, True happiness.
Happy
Something that I'm not sure I can achieve. But something that I desperately want to achieve. It will be a hard goal indeed. Something that not only myself, but others struggle with. I haven't felt true happiness in a while, I want to feel happy for a period of days. Not just happy for 1 hour and then sad again. Im sick of this rage and sorrow that I deal with. Im sick of all these people that smile, experience fun, happiness, excitement and fear, WHILE IM SITTING HERE TRYING TO FEEL THE SAME THINGS. It took me a while to realize but it seems like I can only find true happiness once I find peace within me. But how will I find that? The only way is to let go right? But I'm not even sure of what I'm holding onto. Could it be the past regrets I have? Past trauma? Past experiences? Or maybe past memories? Past family members? Past friends? The list just goes on. But id say I'm holding on to the idea of revenge to people that have scarred me In the past. Sounds edgy, but I'm afraid it might be the truth.
Smile
Smile. Thats what my parents always told me. It never crossed my head why I never smiled often till now. I guess this is the part where you can say I'm actually speechless. Even I don't know what to write anymore. I don't know what to say, neither do I feel sorry for myself and others. I am just the same old person. I want to change but I don't know how or where to start. It's a struggle. Just like the struggle of keeping a smile on my face. It's very funny, honestly. The only difference is smiling is easier over changing yourself, changing yourself till the point you found the meaning to life and the meaning to yourself. Your emotions, your thoughts, everything. I just hope I can maintain this smile long enough before anyone finds out that I'm not truly happy and that I still don't know what I am.
