18.49 December 17 2021
Patience
I was never a kid with much patience and as a teen I still wasn't, so when it comes to things like getting insulted or getting lectured I always do 1 out of the two things...either I react in an angry way and do some sort of instant revenge or I would simply just let it tear my inside apart while acting tough about it on the outside. The 2nd option doesn't happen often and even if it did now, it would barely have an effect on me. I have been broken enough, no insult or lecture will affect me anymore, Ive already seen my reality burn down before my eyes. Due to my lack of patience growing up, I tend to lose a lot of people I love. I usually scare them away when I'm angered and we end up never talking again. Its just like water with blood, one drop of it and everything is red. In this case, one angered event and everything is infected.
Eating disorder
This "patience" issue, or in other words "anger issue" caused something called an "eating disorder". It has affected my life severely. One insult or lecture from a person will cause me to lose all appetite for food. Then you'll see me chugging on water and pills 10 minutes after skipping meals, hahahaha. Its really funny how those lectures or insults don't affect my happiness but they affect my appetite. Sometimes even I'm shocked by myself. This "eating disorder" helped me to lose 10 kg a month but due to me always wearing oversized shirts, It was barely noticeable to others. Sometimes though, the eating disorder makes me gain more appetite, sometimes I just would like to eat my feelings away, crying but feeling nothing, I just eat there feeling guilty of the shame I cause to my parents and friends, thoughts like "nothing I ever do is good enough" often come up in that situation.
Eating less than anticipated.
This has happened before and it happens quite often actually. The thought of eating just wasn't a pleasure sometimes in my eyes. No matter what favorite dish was cooked or who cooked it, the pleasure of eating couldn't be changed. Once I lose the pleasure to eat then I just lose it, nothing will fix it and no thoughts about food will bother me. I could be looking at videos of the most wonderful food but once ill try eating a dish, I will do nothing but stare at it for 20 minutes and think about how messed up this life is. Everybody probably has different cases with eating disorders, but that was my experience. I just stare at the food, reflect on my life and decide to not eat it, no matter how hungry. You see, although I'm starving to death, some edibles on a plate wouldn't do anything. It wouldn't make me happy, it wouldn't fix my life problems and it wouldn't make me satisfied either. I still often go downstairs when I'm late to dinner because my family often forces me to eat, but as soon as they go upstairs all I do is stare at the food, not eat it, sleep, or eat it with guilt and shame knowing that my life most likely won't get better.
Spoonfull
Every time that spoon of food goes into my mouth its just like I want to puke but I cant. Why am I eating this? I don't deserve this. Why am I even alive? How is there even still shelter and food for me? Its like...I have guilt of eating such good food but not being grateful for it. It's not even my money, it's my parents. They worked hard for that food to be on my plate so why cant I even slightly enjoy it? People cook dishes with love and a smile on their face while I sit there unpleased and empty. I just stare at the food like I'm staring at a reality that I want but cant have. Some things just weren't meant for me, but if so...why is it here? Why is this food here when its not meant for me anyway? Why is it here if the only thing i'll get out of eating it is guilt? I just couldn't understand.
