10.07 14 December 2021
This is a rather short part. I came on here to talk about regret. It is a feeling that I experience as often as anger. Looking at my life, I have much regrets. Some from bullying others, disrespecting elders, not listening to others and so on. But recently I have discovered a regret, a regret almost as heavy as my regret of not talking to a certain relative. This regret was built through my anger issues. In short, today a teacher confiscated my phone and my anger issues took over. Every one of my thoughts went black and it was like I was craving for blood, for revenge. In my life it has always been difficult for me to express my feelings or vent to others cause of a past occurrence when someone got tired of me venting. Ever since, I've been venting to myself like this, writing on notes or wattpad, docs, any type of writing platform I can think of. But today one of my vents about my teacher got caught and it felt like my world shattered before my eyes. It was such a horrible vent, a vent that no one has ever seen before. It was vulgar. I instantly regretted every second of writing that letter after reading the contents once again. It was all filled with deep and harsh insults. Thoughts like "I wish I never wrote that" and "I don't feel sorry" were going through my head. I cant believe that I couldn't feel even slight mercy after writing that, was it because I knew she wouldn't have mercy for me either? Im not sure. Apparently this "vent" has led my teacher to cry when it wasn't even towards her? She told me "when my students say things like that, I don't know how to react" In my head I couldn't tell if she was talking lies or the truth. She did seem like an emotional person but why would one feel sad cause of what I did? Do humans really care about each other that way? It just didn't feel right with me. It was like I was in a bathtub filled with gallons of blood, it seemed possible but at the same time impossible. Why would one even care for me? More importantly why would a teacher care for me? Someone that barely knew me, neither talked to me. It didn't take me long to realize that she was probably only crying cause her reputation would get ruined, not because she actually cared about me. After getting interrogated about this "vent" case, still, no-one offered me help. Noone offered me therapy and no-one even cared enough to let me vent to them. All of the words that came out during that interrogation session was "Did you mean it", "what will you do now" and "I was shocked about what you wrote." NOT EVEN A SINGLE SOUL OFFERED FOR HELP, and of course my mom didn't even slightly support me. She has been the leading cause of my anger issues actually, she makes me question my existence every time she lectures me, but I guess I can save that story for another time.
