21.49 January 16 2022
Clouds
It's been a while, this will be a short chapter. My life has been so bad that I don't even know if I should write anymore. It will be the same thing all over again. Me trying to kill myself, family problems, friendship problems, despair, intrusive thoughts. I feel like you are all tired of it but I kept writing anyway. People still judge me. Nothing has changed. Even during New Years I saw everyone smiling, but what was I doing? I was empty but I was crying. How so? Just a few days before New Years, I've already scheduled my 8th suicide attempt. I wish things would just stop going in my way. Does God want me to stay longer or am I just using the wrong suicide method? Clearly car crashes aren't for me. They always stop or someone would always push/pull me away but why? Was I even worth to be saved? Why do people like me? I cant even make my grandpa proud. Someone that I've always loved. He stopped me from so many suicide attempts. Without him I probably would be dead after committing a 9th or 10th suicide attempt.
New Years
I was crying and empty. Everyone that saw me was so confused. What happened to the strong girl they all knew? Why is she crying now? I lied to all of them and told them that my crush confessed to me when the real reason was actually due to the thoughts of how my grandpa helped me survive 2021. It was hard to believe that I was still breathing. 8 suicide attempts and still not dead. Maybe slightly injured but how am I not even dead yet. My mind has withdrawn a long time ago so why am I still here? I still cant forget the expressions of people that looked at me crying. They looked shocked and confused. The look on their faces also expressed some sort of guilt, like most of them thought I was crying cause of them. I got called a crybaby after that and I bet everyone was judging. I could feel it in my veins. So I just stood there. Looking at them while they were looking at me. It's not like they'd believe anything I told them anyway.
Alcohol
It was hard for me to let go of my past so it sticked with me, and so did my addictions. I know it was unhealthy for a teen to like alcohol and I know its not the right thing to do. Yet I drank it anyway. I could drink a bottle like it was 2 sips but why? Most of the alcohol I drink doesn't even taste good so why am I doing this to my body? It is to forget. Alcohol helps me forget things that I don't wanna remember. Like how people are gonna leave me and how ungrateful I am. During New Years, I drank whiskey and wow. It made me forget everything as fast as light. I instantly got dizzy and everything was blurry. It was hard to quite recall what happened but I was...Happy.
