12:18 December 13 2021
Tears
Usually when I write vents, I cry at the same time but Im not sad...so why do I cry exactly? Is it another type of reflex? When I was a kid, tears would often flow through my face when not getting something I wanted or when something doesn't go as planned. I would cry for minutes while begging to get something or I just mumble hoping for someone to feel bad for me. I was such a wretched human being, guilt tripping others and making them do whatever I wanted. My parents were intelligent and knew that I was trying to guilt trip others so that every time I cry they wouldn't care, they would just show a face of disgust or hit me, If I cry more once getting hit, they will proceed to do it till I shut up, I cant believe I had to went through that at the age of 4 when others were going to Disneyland at that age.
6
When I was 6 the hitting got exchanged for yelling, I guess they started to realize that the hitting strategy wasn't working anymore and they had to improvise. I guess you could say during that age I still cried often but the reasons as to why I cried were different. At the age of 6 I usually cry cause of getting talked about by others or getting left behind by friends. In short, when I was 6 my friends often left me and we would always fight every month. My best friend had much friends and I only had 2 cause I struggled to make friends. How did this happen? How did I struggle so horribly...How was it all ruined? During the 1st day of grade 1 I was bullied cause of my name and I didn't know how to react so I would always react violently, sometimes throwing rocks at others, sometimes scratching others. I was a broken kid, raised incorrectly and as a result I was a failed experiment. Due to my parents treating me the way they did when I was a kid, I became an evil child, Destroying everything I see and hurting everyone I can. Sympathy was barely anything to me, In fact it didn't exist in my heart. I just didn't understand what was wrong with me and nobody dared to tell me either, so I just stayed as the same person, no improvements whatsoever. The way my parents treated me influenced me to become a bully, the most worst bully in my grade. Even elders were scared of me, and whenever my teachers described me, words like "sneaky" or "unique" would always appear, as a kid I thought it was a compliment but it was very far from that.
Time
Now its too late to fix my past, it is something that I'm sure I will be punished for, maybe not now, but I'm sure the day will come. The people that passed away years ago were all factors of my cruelness. Its irresponsible to blame them for it but it's the truth. Sure, I acted like I didn't care when they died, tears were barely even there, but it was all an act. Every single one of their deaths were affecting my sanity and heart. One by one a piece of my heart shatters. Every death affects my sanity, the more deaths there are, the more I lose the ability to feel what regular humans do. The more deaths there are, the more I lose sympathy for everything. That is exactly why I would always compare my problems to my friends whenever they used to vent to me. Of course I don't do it anymore, but if I'm being honest I don't feel anything when they vent. Mercy or sadness was never there, It was all an act I was displaying for them so that they would feel better, I never felt actual guilt cause I was always secretly comparing they're problems to mine and at the end I would always see how my problems were more important then theirs. It was always "I had it worse and you're still complaining" rather then "I should be grateful that its not happening to me anymore." Till now, I still feel the same whenever someone vents to me, I don't feel anything, I just put some fake act and pretend to care, I guess that was one of the reasons that I even have friends. Pretending to care made everyone happy, it brought me friends and it made me close with some teachers so I pretended everyday. I pretended to be happy, sad, excited, shocked. ALL OF THAT JUST TO LOOK NORMAL, when in reality none of it was real.
Normal
I guess people liked the fake me, the old me only brought 2 friends but this new and fake me brought me more than 50 friends. It was definitely an improvement. So it continued, the act started during grade 5 and its still exists to this day. It was hard for me to realize how humans could always smile so willingly, just as if nothing bad has ever happened in their life. Maybe they were acting too or maybe they were actually happy. It was all confusing to me how one can feel so many emotions when all I felt was anger, and I guess guilt sometimes. This guilt was never caused by my friends problems but it was always caused by me. The thought in my head was always "If only I had more time" that sentence was always in my mind and it wasn't meant for just one situation. Sometimes I wish that I had more time to talk with a certain relative or friend that has left me, sometimes I also wished that I had more time to fix my grades or just fix the way I acted towards my dad so that he wouldn't be depressed and rude like he is now. I live my life knowing that I cant fix the past. I live this life with many regrets but it seems like I don't care and its like I have already accepted my fate. I know none of this can be fixed and id just have to live with this "condition" till I die, this condition that caused me to be empty and merciless.
