08.17 February 4 2022
Anger
I didn't think I would've had to write here at this time but theres clearly no avoiding it. Yesterday my mother got mad at me for being late to shower. She said I smelt bad and that she would've gave me to the adoption center. I could tell that during the argument she had several intentions of hurting me. I saw it in her eyes, I saw how they were filled with hatred and anger. I saw how her hands moved to try and grab anything to hit me. But after seeing the fire in my eyes she decided not to hit me. That day she was unbelievably mad. She told me to die again. She told me she was tired of me. And she started yelling to me in a tone that I've only ever heard once. A very aggressive tone. One that makes me want to kill myself every time I hear it. One that can make me go deaf. Every time I hear it, I refrain from the idea of killing myself, but to kill the people that stand in front of me. That tone is so intimidating that I want to kill everyone that uses it. NO NO... I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE AS SOON AS I HEAR THAT DUMBASSS FUCKING TONE.
Hatred
Last night I almost killed myself, and my mom along with it. I was so empty I didn't even recognize who I was or what was right and wrong. She yelled at me while staring at me, hoping that I would show her signs or fear or look away. But I did completely the opposite. I stood up for myself, While staring at her. With the same hatred she showed me couple minutes before. Of course this made her extremely angry. But its been a while that I didn't care at all. She cancelled one of my events and I didn't care. She got mad at me for sleeping, and I just continued to sleep. She got mad at me for not eating, and I avoid eating more. The list just goes on. She tells me to not eat anymore online ordered pills then I proceed to chug few antidepressants. It's impressive honestly. No wonder she got so mad yesterday. But did I care at all? No. In the middle of the argument I told her that I had depression and she probably likes seeing it. That got her so mad. She yelled even louder. She proceeded to say "YOU DEPRESSED? IM THE ONE DEPRESSED TAKING CARE OF YOU." She's not the one getting ridiculed so how would she know, HUH? I bet she never even got diagnosed. And I KNOW she doesn't at all feel sad 24/7. She's a human that understands what life is, but not understand what it's like to take care of another human being.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
You aren't funny mom. You make me sick. 90% of my problems were caused by YOU. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE U FUCKED UP TO BE THAT BAD? AND U STILL HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL ME THAT U GOT DEPRESSION FROM ME? HAVE I EVER HIT U? HAVE I EVER SCOLDED AT U WITH THE SAME TONE U USED ON ME? NO RIGHT? DO I TALK SHIT ABOUT U BEHIND OTHERS AND MAKE U LOOK WORSE THAN U ALRDY ARE? NO. I NEVER DID ANY OF THAT. WHY DO U ALWAYS TARGET ME MOM? U even told me that u were tired of taking care of me, then why don't u fucking kill me already? Im ready? The place I'm going to might not be heaven but if it gets me out of the hell I'm already living in then I guess I wouldn't mind for now.
