Nothing I Can Say

Chapter Seventeen

The first thing I see are the nurse's blue uniforms, right in front of my face. They are telling me to hold on, be strong. They smile with relief when I open my eyes.

They step back to reveal my tear-stained father in the orange plastic chair beside my hospital bed. I don't want to think of how many people, how much time has been spent sitting in that uncomfortable looking chair, hoping and praying for me to wake up.

He's sitting upright, blinking at me in disbelief. "Is?"

I try to speak, but my mouth is too dry. The nurse presses a cup to water into my hand, but I can't make my arms work just yet.

I opt for a nod instead, and he lets out a sob. Suddenly, I'm breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne, and my face is in his shirt.

The nurses tell him to give me some space, but my arms move out of my own free will. They wrap around him, and my body adjusts so I'm sitting up a little on my own.

I hear a gasp come from behind my father, and see my breathless mother and boyfriend standing in shock. I lock eyes with Luke, and see his flooded with joy as he grins my favourite grin of his at me.

For the rest of the week, I have many visitors. I regain my voice after about a day, and am able to converse a little at a time with my friends and family.

My mother cries for an hour after I wake up, which reminds me of the sobs that hurt my head while I wasn't awake. I push through it, though, and just let her hold me.

She brings my siblings in the next day. Zoe and Ollie cry, and even Alesha gets a little teary-eyed.

"Thanks for looking after them," I whisper to her.

"I can't take all the credit." Alesha admits. "Mum's actually been a lot of help when she wasn't here with you. It's like... you not being here has opened her eyes to what she needs to do."

I know she means it kindly, so I just squeeze her hand and smile weakly.

I find out Ollie's been getting help from a tutor, and is feeling a lot better about his dyslexia. Zoe has been her usual enthusiastic self, playing fantasy games and smiling.

I always thought she didn't like me nearly as much as Alesha. This might still be true, but I was glad for her to give me a huge hug when she saw me.

I had a long talk with my mother, and found out she has been keeping her word – she's been going to a counsellor who has been helping her deal with her worries, and has become a lot closer with my siblings.

"I'm not all the way there yet, Bella, but with your help I think I can get so much better. Will you help me?" Mum asks.

I'm surprised to find I'm not annoyed by this. Almost as long as I can remember, she hasn't been a proper mum. She's been living partly in her own world, leaving me to deal with my siblings on my own. But the fact that she really wants to try gives me hope. I really think it will be different this time. So I smile and nod at her. "Yes. Yes, Mum, I will."

My father disappeared almost as soon as I woke up. My mother came to hug me, and when she eventually got off me, he was gone. I can't say I'm surprised, though. He is a selfish man who uses others to gain strength and power. He hasn't really cared about me in years. He filled my head with empty promises and false hope. I don't expect anything from him anymore.

I'll probably miss having a father figure in life, but he caused me and my family so much pain that I truly don't want to see him anymore.

However, I can't hate him. I'm not even sure I want to. As much of a bad person he is, he is still my dad. I don't have to love him, but to don't need to despise him, either.