That night in Monaco

Chapter 33

Tw: panic attack and mention of miscarriage

"It was the toughest thing but they had to carry on"

I woke up at the sound of Charles' alarm. It was only 7 in the morning but we had to catch our flight. "Good morning, love. How did you sleep?" "Good morning Charles. I slept fine how about you?" "I slept fine as well. Are you ready for today?" "As far as I can be." "To tell you the truth Anna, if I had the opportunity I would prefer for us to stay here and try to figure things out but I am so sorry, I can't do this." "Even if you had the opportunity I wouldn't ask you to do such a thing. It would be far too selfish." I knew that he didn't like my way of thinking in this case but there wasn't much I could do. I knew we were a couple and we were supposed to tell everything to our partner but I just couldn't. I hadn't come to terms with the idea that our daughter is dead, let alone speak about it to Charles. I would break me. I knew that what I was doing was selfish but he had to understand somehow.

"Ok I understand that you do not want to talk about it, but Anna, you have to let me in, you have to let me know how you are feeling, what are you thinking. We are in this together. You are not alone love, you have to trust me. I am here for you, no matter what. I love you Anna, always and forever. Did you forget that? When I asked you to be my wife I wanted you to know that I would never let you go through something so terrible by yourself. You can tell me whenever you feel ready but please mon amour have in mind that I am here and I am not going anywhere. You are my life, Anna. I can not watch you break yourself and do nothing."

I couldn't hold my tears when he finished talking. "Please, Charles, please don't ask me to do this right now. I can't, I just.. can't." "I know love, I know. Whenever you feel ready. I won't push you." "Thank you" "Now let's get ready to leave shall we?" he said and we both got up from the bed.

One hour later and we just arrived at the airport in Nice. We took care of our luggage and we boarded soon after. The flight was quiet as we only watched a movie. We weren't in the mood to do anything, let alone have fun. We were both grieving but in different ways. Everything felt weird. It's been only 1 day, I kept telling myself. It would take us a lot of time to come to terms with what happened but if Charles was willing to stay with me, then I think that we can survive anything. The only thing I was kind of afraid about the wedding. How were we supposed to get married in 2 and a half months? We would figure it out, just not now. 

We had been flying for 3 hours when we arrived in Italy in order to get the team's jet to get to Bahrain. I loved this jet even though I didn't like private jets. We had a 5 hour flight and we would finally arrive at our destination. As we had plenty of time I decided to take a nap as I was still having some pains due to the surgery. "Charles, I am going to take a nap as I don't feel well." "Do you want me to come with you?" "No, no it's ok. You don't have to." "Are you sure?" "Yes" "Alright." I said and went to the small bed in the bedroom. 

"Wake up mon amour we just landed." I heard Charles say. "I didn't plan on sleeping 5 hours. I am sorry but I still have some pains from the surgery." "You don't have to apologize, Anna. It's ok. As long as you are alright, there is no problem." he said and we got out. A car was there, ready to take us to our hotel. When we arrived it was 4p.m., so we decided to have lunch. I ordered a salad which I barely ate in the end and Charles ordered an omelette. He was trying so hard to convince me to eat but I just couldn't. Nothing would go down. It was like I had something in my stomach and I couldn't eat. 

After we finished we went to our room for a quick nap. I left Charles sleeping and went to the balcony to admire the view. I couldn't believe how much I had missed coming with him to his races. It was always something unique but unfortunately I couldn't say the same regarding this one. I wasn't able to stop thinking about my daughter's death but I had to be strong for Charles. I could do it in the end hopefully.