Arykaiz

Just breath

Heyyyy humans!!!!! So before you start to read I need to tell you something. This story it's a little sad and there will be suicidal thoughts and yea you got it. So if you don't like it it's ok. I'll try and make the end happy!
Also there will be mature content!!!

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It's hard not to think even if I shouldn't.
"Just breath." they said. "Inhale then exhale." they continued...

It's not that simple.
.
.
.

I try not to loose control at the fact that today I am going to school first time in 4 years. I've been home schooled since, but last week my father suddenly thought that it would be better to give it a try and go in that prison again. Just because I am 17 this doesn't mean I am ready to face "society".

"Darling! Come downstairs and have breakfast, we should leave in 10 minutes."

I just gone to the store yesterday by myself on my own will and now my father is the happiest man alive. Just because I said hello to a cashier this doesn't mean I can really talk to someone. His words are still in my head: "Y-you really g-got out on y-your own?!" I was just entering the house when he was heading to the living and caught me with a bag full of muffins and chips. He remained speechless and his eyes were wide open, revealing the green in his hazel eyes. He blinked a couple of times and opened his mouth to say something but he closed it and gone to the living with his bowl full of nuts. I swore under my breath and gone after my father finding him on the phone talking with his best friend saying: "Xander, you won't believe what I just saw!".

And here I am in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal trying to not have a panic attack just because I need to go to school. Just don't think about it too much and you will be fine. C'mon girl you'll be fine just......breath and you can get through.

I got out of the house closing the door behind me before going after my father and following him to the car. I got in the passenger seat and turned to see my father.

"Aren't you existed for your first day of high school?"

How can I be when you are dragging me there?! I thought.
It's not that I have a serious problem about this is just that I'm scared. What if I show them weakness and they start to bully me? It's hard to fill in, especially when you're in high school. How can I go there? I don't think I am ready or strong enough.

It is what it is...

"Umm I don't know... maybe?" I said cringing a little at my high voice at the end. Just don't let your emotions show. You got this!

Noooo I don't!!!

"Hey Zi it's ok you'll be fine. Just breath."

I looked at my father and nodded. He smiled at me and then started the car. I need to control my panic attacks, I need to control my breathing. I won't stay in crowds or interact too much with people. It's the only way to keep myself stable and not going into a mental breakdown or worse.

After like half an hour my dad pulled over and looked at me worriedly. I know that under the smile he is wearing it's a lot of pressure. He doesn't like to show his real emotions but I can see through his walls. He is not fine.
After my mother left us he became so lonely and distant. I can't remember it too well, I was only 5 but I remember how hard it was for him to move on, it crushed him. He really loved her and she just tossed him away and left without a word. Since then it's been just him and I and I'm very happy this way, my father it's the only person that had been next to me when I was at my worst and he is the best. I don't need a mother, not anymore.

"Hey green eyes it's time to go. I know you are uncomfortable but it will be fine. Just be yourself and they will all love you. You're strong, I believe in you." He kissed my cheek and I got out of the car. It's time to go into the lions den.

I entered the two front gates and a lot of people gave me strange looks. It seems I have already been noticed. I stopped in front of two large wooden doors and sighted. I pushed the doors and entered. Looks like the lessons already started cuz no one is in the hallways. I should hurry.
Sounds are heard from behind the several doors I'm passing and I can't find my class. I took the paper from my bag where my classes are wrote and looked through. Looks like I have biology first. I need to go to the....... 3rd floor. I am just on the first floor...

I started to climb the stairs my feet feeling heavier with every step. I stopped when I got to the second floor and my vision become blurry. Trying to grasp for air with no luck. Not again. Just walk girl, try to breath, you'll be fine.
I tried to focus on breathing still walking through the hallway. I'm starting to shake and my body is becoming heavier. I need to lay down but what if I won't get up. I'm overthinking again. Stop thinking just....... Tears starts to form in my eyes and my vision becomes more blurry, don't freak out.
As I was walking I bumped into something or better say someone. A boy. I just looked at him and tried to say sorry but no words came out. Panic attack.

I see dark in front of me, if I don't calm down I am going to faint or worse. I already entered hyperventilation, I need to focus on breathing. Focus! Take a deep breath and exhale. A strong pain started in my chest. I can feel the walls of my neck starting to hurt from the lack of air and my several attempts to inhale.
My feet are starting to leave me and I am slowly falling down. An arm wrapped around my waist and hold me still preventing me from falling.

"Calm down. Concentrate on my voice and stand still." A voice spoke and then paused. I think it's the boy I bumped into.

I grabbed his arm and squeezed hard. I'm too tense and right now I just need to squeeze something, anything.
I started to calm down a little and my vision came back to being just blurry. I looked at the strange boy and I can see that he is tall and has black curly hair. Although I can't see what color are his eyes.

"Do you have water?" He said in a husky and deep voice making me jump a little. Now that I can think clearly I didn't except his voice to be so deep.

I tried to speak but couldn't. At the second attempt I said a barely audible yes and the boy immediately took the bag from my back with his other hand. He put my bag down and then he put both his arms around my waist and slowly put me down too. He took the bottle of water from my bag and opened it. I took it and drank a little, then he put it back.
Now that he is no longer holding me I realized how lonely and cold I am. Looks like I'm still by myself. After this we will separate.
Am I so obsessed with having someone to love and to love me back?
I always tried to be perfect and please everyone but it never made me happy and people never appreciated it so why should I still try?

"Hey you ok?" He said sitting in front of me with his arms crossed.
I looked up at him and nodded.

"Y-you can g-go you k-know?" I know he doesn't care he just happened to be here at this hour.

"I am f-fine." I said and showed a weak fake smile.
A moment ago I wanted him to never let go but now all I want is for him to go away and leave me alone. Those words are still going through my head : "You can't be single forever! Why do you hate relationships so much?". Because they are not real and I am better alone than even more broken.

I can't get through a heart break, I won't survive it, I am not strong enough...

I was snapped out of my thoughts by him sitting down next to me.
"I don't think this is really what you want."

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And still, the sun it will in the end go down. You can't always hope the sky to be bright and shiny.