Is it really worth it?

"I honestly think it's time."

"I hate it" Carina stood in front of the clinic doors. "I just want to have you back in my arms every night." Maya cringed at Carina's statement and she immediately saw regret on Carina's face. They both knew she didn't mean it in a bad way but they also knew how these words would unwillingly haunt Maya the rest of the day. "I'm sorry Bambina I just really miss you." She winced again her new sentence probably having the same effect on Maya. "Ugh, I'm sorry I should just shut up. I love you and call me as soon as you can okay?" Maya nodded also not being too thrilled about going back into the clinic, facing April and that stupid therapist of hers. "I love you too." She leaned forward and kissed Carina passionately on the lips one last time. With the kiss still lingering on her lips, she entered.

The entrance hall still smelled like clinic and no instinctive chatter was audible. Maya nodded at the receptionist. He nodded back at her acknowledging her entering. She calculated the quickest route to her room avoiding any people or the maze games the clinic liked to play. Her feet felt heavy and her endurance seemed to have taken a hit and her urge to be released and plan a wedding was growing.

It was Monday again which meant all the treatments were wiped and a new plan was given to each patient. Maya hated getting a new plan to adapt to. It lay before her door when she opened it. A white paper with the clinic's logo in the upper left corner. Each document in the clinic was crowned with one of them.

This week's plan seemed packed with different treatments and new ones she hadn't yet had. One of them was PTSD treatment, which was what Maya dreaded most. She hated the reminder of her father and the way he used to treat his little girl or the way he used to hit the only boy he had. Simply because neither lived up to his unnatural expectations. Also gracing the plan was gym therapy whatever that was. Still, Maya was excited to get herself moving again. She didn't exactly know if it was the only thing she knew or if it also involved the pleasure she talked herself into to survive her childhood. Anyway, it was the therapy she despised the least. Of course, a lot of the week involved sitting down with her therapist.

*At least I had a great weekend with Carina. Well great at least I got to see her and kiss those gorgeous lips touch her soft skin and best of all hear her whisper comfort into my ear. She is definitely the only thing I'll ever need when getting out.*

                             ~~~

Weeks seemed to speed by like seconds. Or most weeks did. Some were so much harder than others but still, Maya got through them all. She got to like her weird therapist, Mrs.Wright.

They were even able to work out a lot of things Maya didn't realize had been present. For example her internalized homophobia, they talked about it for hours on end and didn't seem to agree. For Maya, the idea of having internalized homophobia seemed impossible since she had "dated" various genders multiple times. Alas, they came to a point where she realized Mrs. Wrights's accusations might have been correct. Since she never truly allowed herself to experience all the love she had as a teenager for both men and women. She had always hidden it very well so her father didn't have the chance of figuring it out. She had felt so gross in those moments. Gross for having to hide her love which seemed unreasonable but looking back if she could have chosen she would have chosen to be straight like that she could have fit in her father's perfect daughter expectations. She had almost fit but the person she chose to love never seemed right to her, even though her father never got to know who she kissed after school.       

April still tried getting closer to her but of course, never succeeded. Maya was way too love-drunk on Carina. She would never let anyone but Carina touch her ever again. But that seemed like something obvious. Since Maya's thinking changed she didn't blame April for anything and wasn't mad about it. She accepted it like she did many things, she thought she could never. Her father was of course something still haunting her in every step. He was still there whispering her dirty thoughts but now these thoughts never were invincible. She was of course not completely healed, she thought she probably could never. But now she knew how to deal with thoughts. She learned to be stronger than the thoughts telling her not to eat. Stronger than her panic and lust for winning. She learned to live with herself in many ways. She healed. Not fully, no but she tried.

Eating with everyone still seemed hard and embarrassing but that no longer kept her from eating. She ate with some bad thoughts but she committed to getting better. And that truly was what pushed her out of this dark place. Now all her thoughts were circling was if she'd want to wear a suit or a dress. Though she did lean towards a dress. One that fulfilled all her childhood dreams. She also thought about venues, hairstyles, wedding cakes. Everything she could already plan about her wedding. Nothing was set in stone though. And Maya had to think about inviting her hell of a father.

But overall Maya managed. She managed to laugh without feeling guilty for it. And she started thinking about food with lust and no longer regret. She began being happy.

"Maya, I know we didn't always see eye to eye but I know that we worked through a lot, and for that, I am truly proud of you.-"
Maya started tearing up not out of sadness but because for the first time she agreed. She had so much to be proud of.
"-I honestly think it's time." Mrs. Wright looked at Maya with pride and watched a smile grow on her lips. This was right, good even and they both felt that.

*I am better and I get to be better with her*

They finished talking and had had a session the clinic liked to name the "final call". Maybe some amusement stood behind that name. Since this was after all the best thing in a long time. And after 1 month and 3 weeks, Maya was sick of this place, respectfully. April got discharged yesterday and Maya hadn't felt envy or malice she was just happy. And now it was her turn.

Up in her room, she gazed around the ceiling she was so used to starting at. She looked at the phone beside the bed where she spend hours talking to Carina. This room had given her a way to escape all the weeks spent here. In this room, she had been shielded and safe from other people. And now she stood in that room gazing around and realized Mrs. Wright was indeed right. It was time to go. Maya moved forward. The thought alone brought her so much joy and a smile grew wider. She went towards the closet and started pulling her clothes out and gently placing them in a suitcase before her. She wasn't rushed even though today or tomorrow might be the day she reunited with the love of her life. She wasn't rushed though, because she knew as soon as she got out the rest of her days, no matter how agonizing these would be, she would get to spend with her. And for that, she was truly grateful.

"Mrs. Bishop," the receptionist said with a grin. He always helped Maya sneak Carina in and out when the longing for each other grew too big. He would never admit the help since it could cost him his position but he still helped. "Are you leaving?" He asked and Maya could even hear a hint of sadness in his voice. She just nodded and said "I'm making the rounds, saying my goodbyes. Thought it was only right to start with you." She smiled at him. Her smile might have looked slightly flirtatious but they both knew that was very much not the case. He nodded. "Nice meeting you. Maybe you can invite me to that wedding of yours."
"Of course, I will."

Maya walked around looking for people to say her goodbyes to. She still wanted to say goodbye to April despite their interesting relationship. She didn't have to find Mrs. Wright. Maya assumed Mrs.Wright would find her at some point.

"Hey," April's voice called and Maya spun around in the direction of her call. With a slight deja vu to the first time they met. "Hey" Maya answered, voice gentle. Out of instinct Maya stepped back ever so slightly. "Are you coming to diner? I thought we were past you skipping." April said jokingly, Maya didn't respond in the hopes April could piece the puzzle together on her own. But it didn't seem to click.
"April I-" Maya cut herself off. Which seemed to help April decipher the situation. "Oh, you're leaving." She didn't sound sad or mad actually Maya could hear about 0 emotion in her voice. "I just came to say goodbye and you know-" but no of course April didn't know. Still, she nodded and they said their goodbyes awkwardly. Maya wondered if they'd cross paths again.

Now all Maya had to do is wait for Mrs.Wright to discharge her. Then she was back in Carina's loving arms. And this time she was ready to be fully embraced. No second-guessing every affection that is shown. No fear of dining with her or collapsing in the middle of a call. Maya was also incredibly excited to work again. To be able to feel the adrenaline rush through her and feel the heat of fire on her cheeks. She was ready to be back in life. And that included every aspect of it.

(Hey guys I'm sorry this took so long again I couldn't decide whether or not I should keep Maya in the clinic and guide you through that journey but decided to focus on recovery I hope everyone is okay with that. The wedding will soon follow!!! Thanks for sticking around as always I'd love all your feedback :)))