Is it really worth it?

"You do not get to be sorry!"

They stepped into their house. Both  still uncomfortable and unsure of what to say to each other. The door slammed shut behind Carina which made Maya jump a little but not enough for Carina to notice. "I'm going to make some food. Want some?" Yes, her sentence had been a question but it sure as hell didn't seem like one. She expected Maya to decline why shouldn't she? She used to always, in any situation, say no. So Carina was right to make that assumption but it still hurt.

She walked through the entrance hall, following Carina into the kitchen. She felt like a little dog unsure of where to go, so she instead followed the owner. Maya's imagination might not have been extremely fitting but in some ways it really was. Carina opened the fridge took out some bread toppings and cut off a piece of baguette, that was laying in the kitchen. And all Maya did was follow with her eyes. Left, right. Carina walked over to the fridge and got out some butter. Left, right. She turned to the cupboard and took out a knife. Left, right. "Do you want one?" Carina repeated herself, pulling Maya out of the trance of Carina's movements. Honestly, Maya didn't know how to react. She should eat one, but she didn't want to, and Carina came across as too annoyed to ask what she thought. So Maya just nodded. A single quiet nod. So, Carina turned back to the bread. Left, right.

Carina had finished making two pieces of bread with her preferred cheese. She put them on plates and set them on their kitchen island. She jerked her head towards the bread and then towards me. Encouraging me to eat it. Of course, she still cared. We sat down. And ate. "Carina, I'm so sorry I-" Maya started trying to comfort Carina. But she was cut off. "NO." Carina spoke with a unusually raised voice, making sure Maya was completely silent. She saw Maya shrug together in fear at her raised voice but she couldn't hide her feelings any longer. She just had to be honest if not it would eat their not even started marriage up. "NO. JUST NO," she repeated still talking with a raised voice. "You do not get to be sorry! For fucking half a year I never knew if you'd find the will to live and come back to me. For half a year I went to work every day not knowing if I'd have a finacée when I came home. For fucking half a year I could never say how I felt I could never talk about my own feelings because I was scared that you might kill yourself over them. So no you don't get to be sorry for not letting me feel. I mean fuck you shouldn't even be sorry. I just I fucking can't anymore. I can't I-" Carina's voice broke and tears started to well in her eyes. All Maya wanted to do is take her into her arms and never let go but she knew right now wasn't the time. "baby, I, you can always talk to me. No matter what." Maya started not sure how to comfort Carina. She didn't try to move closer though. She stayed put.
"I know I can, and I know I should and it's not your fault I can't talk to anyone I know all of that but I just-" she stopped shortly her lips quivering. A single tear escaped her eye. "When you were in that coma I thought I'd never breathe again. I thought I'd have to live in this gruesome world without you there holding my hand. And on top of all that I was so mad. Mad at you, because you never talked to me about how you felt, for 3 years you didn't talk about what was going on in your mind. For 3 years, I was left clueless. I thought you, we, were happy. And most of all I was mad at myself and the stupidity of not noticing your illness about not noticing how you never ate and that our dates never had food involved in them and how you ran to the restroom after dinner if they ever did. I was so oblivious and I hate that I was. I thought I would lose you because of the fact that I never noticed you're fear of failure. And God I couldn't imagine living without you. And I know all of this is not my fault and I know it's not yours either. I was just so helpless."

Carina was now full-on crying heavy tears escaping her deep brown eyes. Her tears causing Maya to be on the brink of tears too. Before the tears fell out of her own eyes she spoke: "I am so sorry. I truly am so sorry I pulled you into this, you don't deserve to feel like this. No you out of everyone in this world deserve to be loved and shown the need of your presence in our world. And I know I've said it before but you do not ever have to stick around you don't! You can leave and never look back. I understand." She finished, moving her hand towards Carina's.

"This isn't about fucking leaving Maya! I'd never leave you God when will you trust that I'll stick around? Maya, I love you with my entire being, and leaving isn't a fucking option. God," she sighed. And pulled away the hand Maya had tried to get close to.
"MAYA THIS IS ABOUT ME TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT ALRIGHT. EVERY DAY I'M SCARED TO GO TO WORK. EVERY DAY I NEED TO BRING MYSELF TO GET UP. I CAN'T GO BACK MAYA." Tears flooded her vision, her sight gone for a few moments. Maya's tears had been falling for a while now too. She couldn't deal with anger even the kind that was considered normal. As well as the fact that she couldn't seem to figure out what Carina was going at. "I'm sorry," Carina said in between sobs. "I didn't mean to scream." She stepped closer to Maya and pulled her into a hug. Confusion growing in Maya's mind. Why was Carina scared to go to work? she loves that stupid hospital. They hugged for what felt like ages, they couldn't let go just yet. *Please be alright Carina*

(I don't know what to think... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and sorry for the screaming :) what do you think? Why is Carina scared to go to work? Who was in the right in this convo? Both? Please let me know what you think)