Crystal Clear

Chapter Thirty Four

GABBY

I can't help myself, it's like a cup that spilled over.

The words are falling from my mouth and it's one after the other and I can't stop the tears and I can't stop my breath and I just need a minute to find my thoughts, but everything is coming out of me faster than I can make myself stop.

"I--I know that StarChild is so popular so I'm sure that Sara's going to call me..." I stumble out my words between breaths of crying.

"Let's not think about it until it happens," Dee tells me. I sigh and resort to agreeing with her. There's nothing I can do at this moment, I tell myself. I need to stay calm.

I don't know if Mauricio would leave me, if he'd stop talking to me, if he didn't know the full truth. I really don't. He'd know that I've been lying to him for all this time. He'd know that I wasn't being honest. But would he understand? I have a why to why I wasn't being honest with him. Would he consider that? Or would he just deem me as a liar? Would he even try to talk to me?

I don't know.

I truthfully don't and that's the hard part. Would he be able to see that I needed to hide this identity of myself, of Crystal, because... well, Crystal isn't even who I really am. Crystal is not who I was ever meant to be. I was always Gabby. When I came down here, I didn't have any intention of being something other than my true self - which is Gabby. Would Moe be able to see that side of me? Would he be able to understand? My stomach sat in knots and twists as I tried to grapple this, as I tried to wrestle it down, as I tried to make sense of it and to really understand just what we were getting ourselves into. I was not trying to be something other than what I was. I was always in love with Moe. I was myself, my genuine, true self with him. We did everything together and he saw me as truthfully, as I've ever been seen before. I've always been real here. I've always been nothing but my unapologetic self here. Thinking that my life could be ruined because of something like this, something that's actually so charitable and kind and pure, something that literally helps dying children, it makes my hurt to think about. I always will love Moe. He is everything to me, he's saved me in ways that I didn't even know I needed saving. I owe everything to him and I can't imagine my life without him and I really, really, don't want him to leave me over a misunderstanding like this. I didn't do anything wrong. I truly didn't. Everything was to protect myself, and really, in turn, protect him. If everyone knew I was Crystal here, then what? What would happen to my dads business? What would happen to their jobs? The paparazzi would be all over us. That's just what happens. Especially since that's a huge story - my mom gave up custody to allow me to go live with my dad, who none of my followers have ever seen before, so I'm sure that it'd break the news for real. As far as everyone knows, I'm on hiatus. They probably think I'm on a beach in the Caribbean somewhere. Perhaps I will be. But I honestly just can't fathom this. This treatment. This way of life. This story that's being written, curated for me, with no input from myself. I don't deserve this. I'm better than this. I deserve Moe. I want him with everything inside of me, I can feel the craving for his body tingling up my spine, down my legs. I crave his touch, his mouth, his heart. He's mine. So would he just leave me because I'm Crystal? Will he never trust me because of the insanity that I've put him through? And... am I just freaking out over nothing? This could really be nothing. This could be absolutely zilch. Zero. Nada. It really could. Life doesn't have to be so black and white, some people are able to think in the grey area. He could be upset but move on with me. I don't think he'd want to cast me out of his life forever. But would he? I don't know. I'm in love with all he is and I just don't think that he feels the same way towards me. I can say with certainty that I'd forgive him if the situation was reversed, but would he be able to forgive me now? I'm such a forgiving person, I mean, look at me. I've forgiven my father after he disappeared for more than eight years of my life. I forgave my mom for sending me down to this miserable town to begin with. See, I am forgiving. I know I am. Hopefully Moe can extend that same forgiveness towards me. At the same time, he might not ever know. I might be Crystal and he might not even recognize me despite me being in costume and makeup and hair. He might have no idea who I am still and then we can pretend like I'm not her and go on living our life as it was. I might just be freaking out for absolutely no reason.

My phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer. Dee is eyeing me intensely.

"Hey, Crystal! How are you? I know I haven't heard from you in ages, you haven't answered any of my texts, however... however I'd like to know if you'd be interested in doing a small gig for StarChild. We've had a few requests come in - I'm sure you saw my texts from earlier this month, but you never responded to those, so I declined. However, there's one right near where you're staying, so would you be interested in doing that? It's over at Glover Clinic right in Stanfield. Would you want to do that? Or is that... is that too much to ask of you? I think it'd be great press, after your hiatus, that you've been doing charity work all this time," Sara's always been the type with a Type A personality. She's bossy, likes to get things done and is a great PR manager for my mom and I.

"I'll do it,"

"Excellent! I'll make the call and send you what date you'll head out there on. Thanks!" the phone clicks off.