Unreciprocated Feelings Between Me And You

chapter | t w e n t y - f i v e

twenty - five | phone calls before turning pages

IT'S THE 24TH of December. It's evening here and the wind is chilly. Compared to the weather back in America though, this is nothing.

I'm in the garden, sitting at one of the few benches placed around. I'm holding a mug of coffee to keep myself wide awake. We're waiting for midnight to arrive.

I'm glad to be spending the holidays with my family this time because God only knows how long I'll have to wait for this to happen again. This is surely gonna be an exciting Christmas. Mommy made sure that our Filipino virtues and traditions are instilled in us but it's still a different experience celebrating with people who know your culture as well as you do. We Filipinos love celebrating Christmas. By the time September falls, we're already setting up our trees, hanging our lights and parols, and we're off caroling to our neighbors. But the best part of our tradition is when we have our Noche Buena with our families after hearing the midnight mass to welcome Christmas Day. Special is a word that falls short.

All of them are so ebullient. The children are running around the house and their waves of laughter could be heard until here. The music is blasting and I know that the adults are busy talking about anything they can think of. I'm not usually fond of loud noises but I'm fond of them.

I decided to walk away from the elated scene earlier because I need to clear my head. There's one thing I need to do and I just need a little time to gather the courage to go through with it. After this, I can spend the remainder of my entire vacation on myself and my family.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days after that night with Geraldine. I've been thinking about my past, the person I am now, and where I'm supposed to go from here. I've said a lot of words to her that time but it felt liberating. I didn't hold back. I admitted everything that I never said out loud. For the first time, I said everything I wanted to say without stopping, without boundaries. I was hurt the entire night but when I woke up, it's like a weight has been removed from my chest.

I've known that I wasn't okay for a long time. There's a point where you realize there's something wrong when your smile automatically slips away the moment you step foot into the house you're supposed to consider home; when you want your family close but you want to push them away at the same time; when you have friends who care for you but still feel incredibly lonely; when you want everyone to leave you alone, to give you space, but still want someone to care too.

It wasn't easy knowing that I wasn't okay. It wasn't something I wanted to be. I didn't, I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be sad, or be angry, or ask questions. I just want to move on. That's why I pretended, that's why I put a smile on my face. I thought that anything was better than facing my problems because then, I wouldn't feel the hurt. I was wrong. I didn't realize that pushing my emotions aside and putting up such a perfect facade was only going to hurt me more.

I was afraid that if I let myself feel, it would consume me. I'm still afraid. But what I was afraid of already happened. It did consume me.

But knowing I'm not okay and accepting I'm not okay isn't the same thing.

I think all this time, that's been my problem: acceptance. I couldn't accept so much of what was happening in my life. It was falling apart slowly, almost unnoticeably, but it still happened. I couldn't accept that I'm not okay and it's because of the people I love. I couldn't accept the simple truth that I'm not okay.

I know I'm not the perfect daughter, sister, friend, or person, but I still try to be good. And that's what's supposed to matter, right? I give everyone my everything but it's still not enough. I still get hurt. I had so many questions. I had so many why's. I still do. It's hard accepting I'm not okay because I feel that I deserve to be okay.