SamBucky one shots

try, try, try (to hold you forever)

A/N: words: 1181. long time no see. sam wilson means everything to me. i would do anything for that man. anyway, here is a character study explaining how much pain hes been through. :). anyway, enjoy!

 Loving came hand in hand with losing. Sam Wilson knew this like it was a rule of living. Loving his family resulted in losing them anyway. Christmas dinners were always full of life, until it was soon just him and Sarah at their childhood homes dinner table. Family was either too far away or just a memory. Then came Riley. Riley. Who knew Sam. Who held Sam close in quiet silence and laughed loudly with him. Riley, who fell just before Sam could catch him. Or maybe Sam couldn't catch him at all. Sarah lost her husband shortly after that. AJ was a few months old. Riley always wanted to meet him. But, frankly, so did Sam's brother-in-law.

Sam never thought of life as an unbeatable game, but as time goes on, Sam been begging for the cheat code more and more. Flames that used to light up Sam's life flicker out by the pure force of time. Sam figured it was his fault for letting the flames keep him warm. They were bound to blow out. Sam just never expected to feel so cold afterwards.

The irony is that Sam would give his life for any of the people who left his world. Which is the cruellest part of it all. Sam would've stopped breathing to let Riley live another day, but in the end the only thing Sam can do is wake up with ragged breaths as he watches Riley fall for what feels like forever.

~~~

Life giving him a shiny new second chance in the form of Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanoff felt like a saving grace. A reason to get back in the fight. To heal the wounds caused by what he had lost. But he could never have imagined what he found.

~~~

"Stop following me."

"I'm trying to make sure you're alive, Barnes. I'm making sure you're safe." It was a snowy December in Winnipeg. After the fallout in Washington, SHIELD crumbling to the ground, Steve had him looking for an ex-assassin who threw him off a building. But, this ex-assassin was Steve's best friend. The best friend he thought was dead. And Sam knew if it was him looking for Riley, he'd be as desperate as Steve was.

"Well, I'm fine. So if you could just let me be, that would be delightful."

"Please, man. I saw you back in Paris. The HYDRA base? Yeah, I was there." That was the first time Bucky looked at Sam. They rarely had conversations. It was a wonder this was even taking place. Sam couldn't help but notice the dark circles under his eyes, the gashes along his face. And, more than that, the piercing blue eyes that outshone the stars in the sky. "Can I help you? Even from a distance. Please, Barnes."

"Okay."

Sam did what he always did. He helped. He cared. Even as it drained him to the core. He helped. And this sure as hell drained him. When he told Sam that he didn't need him anymore. Told him that he could get by on his own. That was what broke Sam. Because, Bucky clearly never thought to ask if Sam needed him. Needed sparkling blue eyes and half hidden smiles. Bucky never stopped to ask how much he meant to Sam. Because he sure ment a hell of a lot. If he was a fool, he'd say he loved him. No, because Sam Wilson gives, and loves, and cares, but he loses in the end. He never gets what he gives back. Because wearing a bright smile and having easy words is a tell-tale sign that someones okay. But, Sam could use some easy soft words. A hand pressed to his back when the nightmares stop. But, no one thought to help. So, when Sam went back to New York, Barnes left behind in the warm air of Bucharest, he prayed it'd be a fresh start.

~~~

Fresh starts aren't real. Because if they were, Sam would be back home with his family. The wall he could lean against. But he wasn't. He was miles away, running and running with no real direction because he decided to help. Now, he has no one left to blame but himself.

"It'll get better." Is what Steve told him. Sam didn't have the strength to believe that.

"You okay?" Is what Nat asked. And that was the thing that gave him the most comfort. Because those words were something so simple, so easy, but so meaningful. Because, no, Sam probably wasn't okay. But no one was, really. Is that the beautiful thing of life? Maybe none of us are really okay, but while some of us fall, some of us dance. Some of us never know when to stop giving, and some of us don't know hot to start giving. Some of us pray for time to stop, and some of us don't think it ever will. None of us are okay, but some of us know how to hide it.

"No." Is the first time Sam has admitted he wasn't okay in a very long time.

~~~

Sam lost his family. Lost 5 years of what he could've had with them. He lost Natasha. He lost Steve. And he lost Bucky, too. Bucky, who he never wanted to love. Never wanted to yearn for. Never wanted to find. But he found him anyway. He went back to his family. Tried to rebuild whatever he could. He was there. He wasn't gonna leave. He had Sarah back. After years of never knowing if he was ever gonna hear her, see her, she was here. Standing beside him in their childhood home making dinner. And maybe, Sam prayed, maybe it could be that same. Maybe everything was gonna be okay. Because in the end, Sam had no idea what he would do if it wasn't.

~~~

"Sorry. For everything." Bucky told him, after everything was over. The Flagsmashers, Walker, Sharon. New York was sticky, and Bucky's apartment had a cool air blowing, but it felt safe.

"You already apologized."

"No. For leaving you the first time. You... you really helped me, Sam. I'm just sorry I didn't tell you how much you meant to me."

Sam didn't want to lose this love again. Didn't want to love and to watch it burn again and again and again. Watch this flame flicker out. Smoke filling the spot where Bucky would've been. He couldn't let that happen again.

"I can't lose someone else."

"I can't promise you anything. But I can tell you that you are the only person on this planet who I know. I know you. I know your voice, I know your eyes. Let me know you for as long as you'll have me. I can't say you won't lose me, but I can say that I'll love you until my dying breath if you'd let me."

Sam didn't know if he could let him, but he sure as hell wanted to.

"I'll try." Try to let you in. Try to love you. Try not to lose you.