Wonderland

3. History

Thank you for the new cover LhynIsMyNym ❤ Bestfriend.

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I look at my reflection.

Dull eyes, undeniable creepy bags under it. My hair is really awesome as a bird's nest, note sarcasm.

Sighing, I grab my towel and walk towards the bathroom.

The water seems so warm, I thank God my class won't start till the next three hours. I still have time to try ny new set of curling iron, I wonder what would I look after I'll curl my hair.

Carlisle.

Why does it have to hurt? I only known you for one week, yet you stuck on my brain like a tatoo?

For all I know, I am cursed.

All my possible boyfriends were gone before our supposed to be relationship would start. Guess how f.cked up my lovelife is.

Won't go home without you by Maroon 5 starts blaring through my speakers. It really wasn't intentional that my speakers brought it up. See, every song that has been playing on my speaker keep reminding me of him.

Why does it have to hurt that bad?

Why does it keep reminding me of him?

Day and night I keep wondering, what is about him that made me like this? Someone I can't even recognize?

I guess this time it would take time to accept the change.

Truth hurts, but lies worse. The truth that he will leave after this week. The truth that he'll forget me, forget that I ever existed. The truth that he never did loved me.

I know! I know that I know the truth, yet I can't let go of him. Sometimes I tend to forget I'm human. Sometimes I tend to acknowledged the possibilities and I assume on things that lived on fairytales.

I can't close the door and it freaking me out. I want us, but reality speaks I can't have us. But on the bright side, if I'll keep this phase I'm into, well I can't have suitors-since I really don't want one. Carlisle is enough.

But was I enough for him?

No.

Why? He said, he still love Carla.

That Carla freaking girl he used to date last year. He said he f.cked up. She was stunning alright.

She's got brown eyes, she's 5'5 and long brown hair falls down her back. She's loaded. She got it all.

Okay I got it.

But I was there, with you. We were trying alright. We were.

Why the f.ck fate brought them together? Even their names sounds so clichè. It f.cking kills me with jealousy.
Even his friends tried to compare me with her, Carla. I want to close this book really. But I really can't. I know, deep inside me that
I started blowdrying my hair and then curling it right after. I am though, satisfied with my curly hair. I wanted a new phase. Not this phase I'm going though.

Its not my first time to ever experienced heartbreak, I did experienced several now actually, but it never felt like this.

Although, there's one. But that one was long gone, months ago.

Years ago.

I was an idiot.

Until now actually.

But that didn't count. He didn't love me, in fact he used me. Not to the sense that we did it, no! I have brains too! I was raised in a smart family.

He was in a relationship in the same time that we were in a relationship. Oh God. I was fooled obviously, but that didn't stop there.

I forgave him, silly choice? But I did anyways, you know they always say that everybody deserves a second chance.

And I did.

But, again- that second chance was then followed by third, fourth, fifth-you name it. It was horrible because I was sure as hell won't go back to that cycle.

I became depressed.

And I had to pop pills on to my mouth, anti-depressants without my mom noticing everything. I had to go through hell because I was gullible and I hate that.

I ate everything I see. I became fat.

I slit my wrist one time because I felt like I wasn't good enough. Every boys who had the opportunity with me, ran- they all ran away, away from me.

And then, I hate that ME I used to be.

I don't want to go back to that cycle again. Hell, not now. Not ever. It was me.

Weak.

Everyday my friends keep on pushing me to do better, even though the criminal was inside of our classroom- I smiled through it all. I smiled through him. Fake ones however, that fake smiles became real the second I realized..

He wasn't worth it.

Not ever.

Then I started to cut my hair, exercise and became healthier. That is me.

Time came, I was alright and then I met him. No. Not Carlisle, but Richard. Richard James Daniels.

He was really annoying at first and it took time to made me fall for him. I was this bitter girl who really punches everyone in my way. Especially boys.

I was really bitter, but Ric made me feel as if they weren't worth it. It took time for him to convice me though.

But he broke me again. He went away and I still doesn't give a f.ck to what he was talking on Facebook.

But again, he didn't know I fell for him.

But why do I have to endure the same feelings I have right now? Why do I have to understand the situation? Why do I have to step aside and make the adjustments?

Am I not worth fighting for?