Wonderland

14. Universe really is rather complicated

To start of the part which Carl and I were present, I don't know what to say, it seems like I like I ran out of words.

Its as if I'm in the bearing of a reciprocal universe.

Only if that exists in real world.

Truth be told, I was indeed in awe that he showed much of an appreciation of my existence after he paid me no attention for the past few weeks that, actually, made me a) feel beaten up, b) feel as if I'm not enough, c) in the stage where I felt like the world gave up on me, d) made me feel worthless, and e) longing for so long.

There are many things that had to be in that alphabetically inclined experiences, but listing them won't make any difference at all.

"I'm sorry to those things that made you fall for me." he said softly, I didn't meet his eye for a second.

Those things that made you fall for me.

Ha, funny I thought you are apologizing for me.

So then, that makes it even more easier for me to find out he didn't felt the same way I do. Everything he did was a lie.

The red velvet cake,

the opening for the doors,

the days that he would take me back to my house..

All of was a lie?

And most specifically-

The things he said that made me fall for him even more.

I tightened the grip on my sleeves. I don't know if I'll ever had the guts to question him in and about everything, because that would lead him to the conclusion that he would think he is that of a prize to make someone- specifically me- to fall head over heels for him.

And eventhough its true that I have, that doesn't give him the credit to know that.

His ego is big enough that it would explode if he hears something priceless as what I think it is.

"That doesn't gives you the credit to leave someone out of curiosity on why you left that someone." I snapped him in the middle of him telling me things has slip off the way he wanted it to be.

"That's why I'm here for. To tell you the reason why." his eyes were soft, genuinely asking for permission to enter my soul.

But I can't let that happen. Again.

I let him in, but look where that made me. Stupid.

"You already did."

I could see sweaats forming on his forehead as he take a liter of oxygen to kill his air issues.

"I was wrong." he said, "I thought you could be able to replace her, but it couldn't." paused.

I'm an object now?

"There are these feelings that can't be forgotten Heather. I'm only leading you without a destination, I'm leading you out of nowhere." he said.

My eyes furrowed.

"Technically, you said you are over her. Literally you weren't." I sigh in frustration, "And using me as one of those pain killers isn't helping at all, although I said that I'd be happy to be your rebound."

"You left Carl." this time I'm tearing up.

Get yourself together prick. That bastard doesn't deserve all your tears.

"In a span of two weeks, all I ever did ask was 'Why'd he left?', 'What have I done wrong?', 'Am I not enough?'. Yet you, walking like it never happened at all. It keeps on registering on my mind that it was, after all the longest fantasy I ever been to." I laughed.

"Just imagine something like, one day you were so close that you cannot fathom the word of balancing the thought of being broken and worthless at the same time. And then, shit happened that you could only accept the fact that you were just a toy all along-"

"No, I-"

"Shut up, I'm not yet done." I cut him off. I'm aware that we aren't alone now. There was Stacey listening briefly on the other side of the hall near the comfort rooms and Krissy was with her, practically ignoring her phone just to hear everything I have to say.

"What I meant was, why does it have to be like this?" I chuckled lightly, "I'm not blind or too dumb to think that Narrian and that group where Krissy is- they keep giving me cold stares and-" I help my finger, "I'm well aware of their conversation over me. I'm not saying that I'm afraid of firing back, but lets just say that- I was the one who was been judged guilty over a murder I didn't even do.

"I was the victim Carl, but look where it got me. I've been pledged guilty. But then, aren't we all?"

I sigh, those words that I keep practicing on my bedroom post every night has finally came out- and what's great was that I told Carl the very point of it.

"Carl." I caught his attention, "You have the right to leave someone, but at least tell them why. Because what is even more painful than being abandoned or left is that-" I look directly at him, "You are not worth an explanation."

And that's it. I left him, there on the chair we talked, there in the hall. I hope he would man up and sink those words I said, because all of it was true.

Happy endings are worst when you thought that you already have them, but when we thought of it- practically the moment that we actually thought we got happy ending in our palms- that is the moment we would ask ourselves if is this for real.

Drying up my tears on my sleeves, I slip past Stacey and Krissy who has been watching us. I wasn't aware that even Knorr and Jana were there- eavedropping on the side, hiding in the fake bush- plastic bush like them. Wow, universe has its way of organizing things. I cannot even tell what's the difference between the plastic bush and them.

Luckily for me, I didn't give them a damn about everything. I stormed out past the dresser and grabbed my bag, then stormed out again and went to the exit. I heard someone calling my name, I know that that was one of the seniors, I stopped in my tracks and sat in the corner- afraid of the probition I might got.

If it was real it wouldn't have been like this.

If it was real then it wouldn't hurt like this.

I wasn't faking what I said on the following days, I'm still assuming. I was just in the edge earlier, I got the upper hand and it made me feel as if I'm agonizing the powers for so long that it made me pour my heart out.

That does give me the credit all along.

I was the victim, yet I felt like I'm the one who was murdering it all, all along.

For a moment there, I thought of slapping him- really, I do. But that would mean, I'm so bitter that I could actually do that to him. That would mean, physical assault. And I don't have the right to slap him, just because he made me slap myself for being able to hold on to him.

I know he deserve a slap for me. But I would rather refrain myself from doing that, if I want to live it all away.

But some of it was cut off by a loud slap on my face.

"You don't have right to say things like that to him."

I smiled in realization-

Universe really is complicated.