Inside A Lover's Mind (Criminal Minds Fanfic)

Alternate Ending..?

Okay guys, this may come as a huge shock... but I was going to kill off Jessica.
I KNOW! This is absolutely cruel and that's why I didn't do it. Plus, I wouldn't have been able to make a sequel. But, I really thought about killing her off after the chapter 'Keep Holding On.' To play with your heartstrings, here is the alternate ending to this book. This is in Spencer's point of view. Enjoy!
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"I can't believe she's gone," Garcia whimpered, holding back tears.

She stood with Derek at the casket, where I knew Jessica was sleeping peacefully for the rest of time. I knew I would never hear her laugh again, see her smile at me, touch her living skin. I knew she died loving me, in my arms as I grasped onto her tightly, promising to never let go. I could still remember our last kiss, her final moments with me. I felt selfish to have these moments and not her family. I was the last person to hold her before she went into that operating room, and it would guilt me forever. The moment should have belonged to Derek and Garcia, the best parents she could have ever had.

I didn't want to approach the casket, but it was as if there was someone trying to push me towards her. I looked up from my shaking hands to see no one around me, only Garcia asking me to come stand with them. I walked over cautiously, scared to look at the love of my life in her placid, permanent slumber.

"My sweet boy, please don't think this is your fault," Garcia said to me, her voice begging to crack.

I just shook my head, tears now falling onto my dress shirt. I saw that my tie was crooked. I let out an incredibly weak laugh.

"She would have fixed my tie. She would have pulled me close and straightened it, telling me that even though she thought it was adorable, she was worried people wouldn't take me seriously," I said quietly.

"I remember everything we ever did together. Every note she wrote to me and stuck in my lunch when she knew I was going away, every song she would sing when we went driving, every moment we ever shared... burnt inside my brain to the point of insanity."

Garcia was crying now. Derek pulled both of us into a hug. I was sobbing. I didn't feel stupid for crying, I was at a funeral. Her funeral. J.J, Rossi, and Hotch joined into the hug.

"I-I was going to propose, you know?" I told them as I pulled away.

"Oh, Spencer," J.J sighed sadly.

I couldn't bear it anymore. I turned to the casket and saw her there. Her eyelids covered those beautiful blue eyes I had fallen in love with and her blonde hair laid softly on the pillow. She only looked as if she was asleep, not gone. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how my body was drowning in alcohol and my wrists were scabbed and numb. I wanted to hold her close and tell her to wake up, to just come back to me, but I didn't. I only thought them, not wanted everyone to hear.

"I love you, Jessica." was all I whispered.

The last thing I did was kiss her forehead, walking right into Garcia's arms. I let her hug me. I could feel my heart shattering for the last time. I was done for.

When I returned to our apartment that evening, I contemplated on suicide. The chair was ready and so was the rope.

I looked at all the pictures and could already imagine her telling me I couldn't. I could imagine her saying that I needed to keep fighting and that I had to find more people like her father. I closed my eyes as pictured her. She would have been standing with her hands on her waist, a cheeky smile on her face as she shook her head at me.

'You're so strong, Spencie. You don't need me. Sure, you'll miss me, but you'll find another. Remember when you thought there would be no one after Maeve? You found me,' she would have said.

Then she would have kissed me, pulling me close and telling me I could do it and that she loved me.

I opened my bloodshot eyes and stepped down from the chair, dropping the rope from my hand and replacing it with a bottle of whiskey. I sat down on the couch and turned on the tv, seeing that I had left in the DVD she had given me for our six month anniversary. I put down the whiskey and opened up the bottle of water in the table, lifting it in the air.

"For Jessica. Rest in peace, you big nerd. I'll love you forever."

CAN YOU BELIEVE I WAS GOING TO END IT LIKE THAT?! I AM SO SORRY, OKAY?! I CRIED WRITING THIS! I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL A HUG NOW BECAUSE I AM A HUGE DÏCK. I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH AND THIS IS WILL NEVER HAPPEN.