Wildflowers |h.s|

forty

TW: Kinda a panic attack? 

Devon

"Devon..." He says, staring at the test like it's about to attack him.

My heart pounds as I put it down on the counter and go over to him, putting my hands on either side of his face. "Harry, it's negative. Just breathe, it's okay." I tell him, already sensing he's getting worked out about this.

"What did you do?" His voice is accusatory and panicked, which I understand, but he's just got to calm down.

"Angel, it's negative. I just needed to rule it out before going to a doctor to see what's going on with me." Even though I'm not too sure if it's negative or not, I just have to try and calm him down and tell him what he needs to hear.

"You're pregnant..." He keeps looking between me and the test on the counter, but I shake my head. "I'm not Harry, listen to me. You're not listening to me. I'm not pregnant."

He drops the bag holding the food onto the floor, his brows furrowing as he starts to get an angry look on his face. My heart sinks and I just know that this isn't going away anytime soon. I shouldn't have done this here, why did I do this here, today? Fuck I'm such an idiot.

He pushes past me into the bathroom, not caring that he quite forcefully moved me out of the way. I stumble a bit and stand by the wall as he picks up the pregnancy test. I jump as he throws it across the room, and it hits the wall near me hard. Tears well up in my eyes in fear. I'm not scared of him, but this isn't Harry right now.

"What the fuck did you do?!" He yells at me, running his hands through his hair and tugging at his roots in stress. My tears start to fall as he stalks over to me, grabbing my face in his hands as he looks at me. "What did you do?!"

"Harry, please... It's me. I'm not pregnant, please calm down." I whisper, my heart pounding. But he just doesn't hear me.

"Fucking answer me Jamie! What did you do!"

His grip on me is rough, but not enough to hurt, just to keep me from looking away from him. He looks scared and I know he's not here right now. "Harry, it's Devon. Jamie's not here, Jamie died. It's Devon, I'm not pregnant."

This feels like my worst nightmare. Honestly, it's worse than a nightmare because this is a reality. I'm seeing first hand how he reacted to Jamie getting pregnant with Oakley. In his mind he's back to that place and I just don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm devastated that Jamie had to go through this, but I'm also heartbroken that Harry is reliving this.

I know he loves his daughters, there's no denying that. He would give his life if it meant protecting those two little girls. But I also know he didn't plan for them to be in his life. He didn't want children with Jamie, even though she wanted them with him. And maybe it wasn't this bad when she told him she was pregnant, maybe he's just seeing me as her telling him they're having a third child together, but I know that right now, he's not seeing me. He's seeing her again. And that's never good.

"Why do you keep fucking doing this to me?! I don't want another baby, Jamie! I don't want this! Stop doing this!" He yells, and more tears fall as I try my best to stay calm.

It hurts hearing this, not knowing if I'm actually pregnant or not. I know it's not directed toward me, but in a way it is. Because he's not healed, not even close, and a pregnancy would just send him right back down that dark hole he was in during December. And I don't know where that would leave us.

Would he even want me and our baby around? Would I have to get an abortion because he just can't handle that? Does this toss any hopes I had of maybe having a family with him right out the window? It hurts to think about this, and to be honest I'm fighting the urge to just run to the toilet and throw up more.