Wildflowers |h.s|

forty eight

Harry

Laying with the girls in the playroom, we eat color in some drawings we've done. Christmas is coming up, and they wanted to get started on drawing everyone they love special pictures as gifts. I have to get them to the pottery shop soon so they could paint some new things for gifts as well. Every year they do a plate set for mum, and I know Dev has been using the mugs they gave her last year all the time, so maybe they could paint something else for her.

I have a lot of making up to do for last Christmas, but I'm already certain that this year will be a lot better. I mean, we're married now so it should be a lot more fun.

Dev is at work today, but Annika had the day off from school so I didn't have any appointments for today. Once Oakley is in Kindergarten in a couple years, then I'll probably start working full time, but until then I'll stick to three days a week.

My eyes wander from my paper to the girls, and I can't help but smile when I see how concentrated they look. Those two mean the world to me, and I know I'm so lucky to have them. Lately though, I've been finding myself going back and forth about if I even want another one.

A part of me knows that Devon wants to have a baby in the future, and it makes me feel guilty for even thinking I want to be done having kids already. I want Dev to be happy and for her to have that experience, but at the same time, I will never really know how I'd react to her being pregnant. Not until it happens and I don't want to think I'm ready and get her pregnant just for me to not be able to handle it.

And if I'm able to get through a pregnancy, would I be able to handle her afterward? I know I could take care of a baby, that's not the issue. But what if she's not alright after? What if she ends up like Jamie?

Devon's a worrier. She has anxiety and a people pleaser attitude, and I just don't know if she'd be able to handle having a newborn or the emotions that come with having one. I just can't risk losing her in that way. If I were to find Devon the same way I found Jamie... I don't think I would be able to recover from that. I barely recovered from Jamie and I wasn't in love with her the way I am with Devon.

I know this is just me projecting and thinking of the worst case, I even know Dev has time before we can't have a baby together, and that in ten years maybe we'll feel ready for that. But I just haven't been able to stop thinking about this since the wedding.

When we got married, I vowed to be the best husband I could possibly be, and I don't want to disappoint her.

"Daddy, what are you drawing?" Annika asks, snapping me out of this mental spiral that I know I'll have to bring up to my therapist at some point.

I glance down at my paper and spin it around on the floor so she could see. "I'm drawing mummy a garden since she said she misses ours." I smile, "How about you, petal?"

She giggles, looking at the flowers decorating my paper. "It's a pretty garden. Mom likes daisies, they remind her of her grandma." she states and I furrow my brows a bit. How did she know that?

"I know. You know, daddy gave her the first tattoo she ever got. It's for her grandma and it has daisies on it." I say, going back to my drawing. Oakley's too invested in her masterpiece to be bothered by the conversation.

Annika gasps, sitting up from her belly. "That means you're a sign from her grandma! Can I call her and tell her?" She asks excitedly, and now I'm very confused.

"What are you talking about, petal?"

"Mom says that her grandma sends her daisies so that she always knows she's there even though she's in heaven like mommy is. You gave her daisies! So her grandma made you a sign!"