Disconnection • Newt • Maze Runner

14 - A Night & a Boy to Remember

MAJOR TW: Suicide and Self harm

A/N: This is basically a recount of Aspen's mental struggles and suicide attempt.

The gun practically glittered in the sun light. It lied alone on the table, as the owner of said gun had forgotten to put it back in it's holster.

Aspen stared in sorrow at the lonesome pistol as he contemplated grabbing it. He was torn.

Part of him wanted to leave it be, protect himself from the inevitable death if he did grab it.

The other part of him wanted to snag it, stow it away until he needed it. Until the thoughts got too awful and all consuming that he couldn't take it anymore.

Regretfully, the latter is what occurred. Aspen spared a quick glance towards Thomas and Teresa across the room, just doing their work, before snagging the gun and putting it into the waist band of his pants.

He'd stowed it away in his room for months.

Over said months, he hadn't remained incident free, as the razor blade on his bed side table could account for. Scars and scabs littered his seemingly fragile body, coating him like a thick black polish coating a nail. A residue left behind of sorrow, and most importantly, pain.

He used that measly blade every night, always on a new part of his body. Until he ran out of room, and he started going over areas where the scars had healed. He was scarred, charred, and unimaginably agonized.

A day came, however, where he hadn't any room left to cut. His body was riddled with the agony of his own mind, and it was growing to be too much.

He stood warily, mind telling him to push on and grab the gun, while his heart pleaded with him, begged to stop.

Opening the drawer in his nightstand, he grasped the handle of the gun and pulled it out from under a stack of magazines, unread.

Placing it in the waistband of his pants, he stalked towards the bathroom, locking the door securely.

He crumbled to the floor, lip trembling and eyes glassy as he pulled the gun out, flicking the safety off, and racked the slide, cocking the gun. He prepared himself as his tears flowed from his eyes, a steady stream of life, soon to be no more.

He held the gun up to his own head, sucking in a shaky breath as his finger inched its way towards the trigger. He held it there, still, as he contemplated it.

Contemplation didn't win, however, as he pulled the trigger, the shot firing out of the gun, towards his head. Only it wasn't a bullet that came out, rather a blank.

It didn't kill him, merely concussed him for a bit, but he decided to tell no one.

That night, he waited in the bathroom in anticipation, assuming someone would come in, having heard the shot. But no one came, so as he sat there, tears no longer coming as his eyes dried up, he was emotionless.

Not a thought behind his eyes as he stared into nothingness, merely existing in an agonizing state as his head pounded.

Eventually, as the dawn came forward, and not a soul had come to check on him, he finally got up. The boy walked back to his room, hiding the gun back in its place, and got changed to go to work.

He acted as though nothing had happened, as though he hadn't just tried to kill himself that very night. No one noticed, not a word was said to him aside from a few about getting his work done.

He was merely eleven, and yet his mind was already overcome with dreadful thoughts.

As the years passed on, he watched as one boy in particular disappeared one month. The boy was rather skinny, with shaggy blonde hair and the same age as Aspen. He held on to the memory of the boy, wanted to make sure he wasn't forgotten.

Why? Not sure, Aspen didn't think so much about the others who disappeared. But this one boy, he felt different, and Aspen didn't want him to go unnoticed, forgotten.

He held onto him, grasping at his mind every now and then, trying to hold onto the memory of the one boy.

That boy jumped, that boy fell, that boy survived.

Aspen pulled the trigger, Aspen lied there, Aspen survived.

Maybe it was fate, that two people with thoughts and tries of ending it all were to be together. Maybe their souls were connected, maybe not.

Aspen remembered Newt, he remembered his disappearing, he remembered watching the cameras as the boy jumped, he remembered waiting in anticipation to see if he'd survived. And he remembered the relief that flashed through him when he found out he had survived.

Newt was unaware that Aspen knew about his suicide attempt, and Aspen figured it better not to bring it up. Because if he did, he'd have to bring up his own attempt, which was something he kept deeply hidden, crushed down below the surface.

If you keep things bottled up, you don't have to worry about them, for the time being. But they bubble up, festering until they grow bigger and bigger, angrier.

You can't keep things hidden forever, but you can sure as hell try.

A/N
Sorry for the short chapter, im not home rn so i don't have my computer. I figured id still try and get something out though.
if you or anyone you know is experiencing suicide thoughts, or thoughts of harming yourself or others, please speak help immediately. I know it's easier said than done, but trust me, things get better.

i hope your all safe, happy, and healthy. <3