Confide in Me

Chapter 10

"It feels like defeat."

Meredith hugged the pillow closer against her body, curled around it almost, sat in the corner of the couch in Dr Willow's office.

It had been almost four years since her son passed away, in her arms. She had wanted to sjip the therapy session, but at the same time she knew she couldn't. She knew it was getting worse the closer the time came.

Before she had decided on therapy, she hadn't been totally convinced by it. She wasn't a stranger to the fact that she struggled to open up to the people around her, and after a shameful Google search on the matter, had come to the conclusion she just needed to try this. If it didn't work, then it didn't work.

But it had been working, for weeks now. An hour every week. Whether it had been over a video call, or in person like today, she'd been seeing the therapist in her mother's hospital and just talking.

And this week, after talking through everything she felt, it had been suggested she was burning out.

It felt shameful.

She didn't want to stop working. But it wasn't about what she wanted – it had reached the point that it's what she needed. Maybe she didn't have to stop working, and could do some work around here, but she couldn't bring herself to get on a plane.

The thought of boarding one on Monday made her sick to the stomach. Anxious. Afraid.

Meredith had never been afraid of flying.

"Yes, that's how it feels. But you must tell yourself; it's not. It's natural, it's normal. You haven't stopped in almost four years, and your body is screaming for a break. You need to listen to your body, Meredith," the doctor said.

"I don't know how to tell him, Derek. Or my mother. How do I admit that I need a break from it all?" Her gaze lifted to Dr Willow. "I don't want them to think I'm permanently stopping. I don't want to get their hopes up."

"If they love you, they'll understand," the doctor said. "Make it clear that it isn't permanent. Everyone needs a break now and again, and you've definitely deserved it."

****

"How can I help?"

That's all her mother had to say in response, and damn if it didn't lift an entire weight off her shoulders. A smile graced her, and in an act of nerves pulled her hair up into a ponytail, only to let it fall down her back again.

"I think... I'll take a few days, and then I can come and run some workshops here, or pick up on any cases that need my help?" Meredith said with a shrug. "I have a lot of thinking to do."

"We're here for you, Meredith," her mother said, and lifted a hand to her shoulder. "Take the time that you need, no one's asking for all the answers right now."

"Thank you," Meredith said.

"Have you spoken to Derek?"

"He is next on my list," she exhaled.

****

The leaves crunched beneath their feet as they walked in silence beside one another. Maddie was a little bit ahead, pausing now and again to look at something she had deemed interesting enough to collect in her little bag. Every time she held up a funny looking leaf or twig in the air, Meredith couldn't help the grin that shone, coinciding with a twisting feeling in her stomach.

Maddie wasn't even her daughter and she felt like she was missing so much. She would have a new word every week, one that she would deem to be a big, clever word. And most of the time, it really was. The little girl was so intelligent, it shocked Meredith sometimes.