I often wonder when it's my turn to be happy. Sure I smile and laugh and grin, but I dont really feel too happy. Im so lonely most of the time, but i dont like to let others know that.
What is happiness to me?
Well simply put, happiness to me is another person I can love, a partner. People around me have partners, I do not. I know I sound desperate, but is it so much to ask for someone who will love me and cherish me and who is going to hold my hand and hug me and kiss me? I want someone to just cuddle me and someone who has time for me, someone who understands the way I feel. It's not that i dont have feelings for others, its that they dont have the same feelings towards me.
For example; this one guy i have been messaging (met him on tinder) saw a picture of my friend today and instantly wanted to know more about her. He's never asked me any sorts of questions, even though ive shown him that im interested in him. I've tried to start conversations with him but it's been useless. He either ignores the questions or gives me short and dry answers. Why did he even swipe right on me if he isnt interested or if im not what he expected then why is he still talking to me? He has the option to tell me he isnt interested in me and stop talking to me, but no.
Then there are those people who are interestwed in me and im interested in them, but they turn out to be some hyper sexual people (i have nothing against people like these but im asexual) and then they always ask for nudes and shit, like no, i dont want to. Or then when they find out that im trans, they ask me what body parts i have and when i've gotten offended they act like im the jerk.
Then lastly there are those people who are interested in me, im interested in them, but they turn out to be complete dicks, manipulative and rude. But those are the people who are nice at first but then after months of knowing them, become assholes.
I just wish somebody would love me. I put so much effort into being the kindest person i possibly can be, but it doesnt seem to be good enough for anyone.
I try so hard, so damn hard, why isnt it enough for anyone? When is it my turn to be loved?
