Have you ever been in love? I have been, but only twice. I'm currently in love, but they don't know that. Or maybe they do, they just choose to ignore it. I can't really blame them for that. But you know how when youre in love, it makes you do crazy things? Things you'd never do otherwise? Well that's what has happened to me. Before I was in love, I was depressed, upset and sad.
But now, I met them. I know they're meant to be with me, but their heart does not belong to me, so I keep pretending, like mine doesn't belong with them either. But it does, and my feelings eat me alive. I lie about loving them, I lie about the reasons im hurting. Even though I havent told my family about how I feel, they know Im in love.
There are so many things I wish I could say to them, but Im scared, scared that I'll push them away by loving them too much. So I suffer, at night when im all alone, I don't have to pretend to not be in love. At night the feelings surface, it gets hard to breathe. I know their heart doesnt belong to me, and it kills me. Because I try so damn hard, I try so hard to make them see my efforts, but it goes unnoticed, or maybe they do notice? They just choose to pretend like that's what friends do.
To the people that know who I love, and they know its ture when I say this; I would rather be hurting inside to the point its killing me, than accidentally push them away because I love them, and they just don't feel the same. Its not even that I pretend to be happy for them when they find someone, I am happy for them, but at the same time it kills me that I am not the one that is able to make them feel that sort of joy.
Words I wish I could say
I love you, I love you so much and Im tired of it. Im tired of being in love with you, because its all one sided. I know youre sick and tired of me. I know I need to move on, and I promise you Im trying, but its so hard. I really wanted it to be real. Because we fit together like puzzle pieces, we get each other, and when im with you, i feel like im on top of the world, because you complete me. You make me a better person, you always believed in me, even when nobody else did. You are always there for me and I'm there for you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Your soul, its so beautiful and inviting, it's forgiving and accepting. We might have different opinions on things, but that has never been a problem. With you, i can talk about anything, without having to fear that you'll judge me or that you'll think less of me. Youre beautiful, both inside and out. It's hard for me to point out any flaws in you. Im the luckiest person in the world, because i get to be your friend. I'd do absolutely anything to make you smile and laugh. You are my soulmate, maybe not romantically, if thats not what you want, but platonically. I love the way you make me feel, even when youre not with me.
I have never met such a wonderful person, and I don't think anyone will get me the way you do. I know, you dont like me, not in that way at least, and thats alright, because feelings can't be forced, and I won't try to force you into liking me romantically. I'd never do that. But I can't help my own feelings, so please, when youre reading this, and you figure out its about you, please don't reject me harshly, because these are the toughts I can never say face to face, not because I'm scared, but because I already know how you feel, and I know its easier to pretend like there are no feelings involved if I just keep my mouth shut. But if I say these words to you, things might get weird, maybe not for you, but for me. Because I'll feel vulnerable. I'll feel exposed. Which is why its easier to just keep them written, even if you read this, its not like I said these things to you. And the songs I send you about love, the way I try to cover up the fact that its not how I feel towards you, but rather that I just like the songs, Im tired of trying to cover up my feelings. Im tired of pretending like there isnt anything there, when there is. Im tired of lying to your face about my feelings, and im tired of pretending like im not jealous. I am jealous, but I promise you, I'll never act on my jealousy, if you find your person, I'll let you be with your person. Because your happiness matters more to me than my hurt I feel. I love you. I love you romantically, and for that Im sorry.
p.s. When I confessed to you about liking you, I lied. I didn't like you, I loved you and I still do
p.p.s I know im a terrible person for deciding to do this, right now, after all that youve been through, i know im being selfish, and im sorry for that. I just cant pretend anymore. I need to put it out there.
