TW SA
I recently started to think about my past again. Like when i had my first boyfriend. I was 12, he was my brothers friend, he was 13. I had always had a crush on him, ever since i met him, and he knew that. So one day he sent me a dm on facebook because thats what people used back then. He said "i like you back" and so then i asked him how much to which he replied "Right now like a 9/10 but i could like you more ;)" so i got his snap, and we started messaging there. He would send nudes, one's i didnt ask for. I was too young to understand consent and being able to say no. So i just let him do it. Then one day he went "I would like you 10/10 if I got some nudes too" and of course I didnt know any better and I just wanted him to like me, so i did that. After which we got together, but i was too nervous to meet him alone, because we did go to the same school. It was during summer break though so i didnt have to see him.
Whenever he was over to hang out with my brother, we would play hide and seek and when my brother was looking for us, we hid in the same place and he would tickle me. Again, i didnt know about consent, so i didnt know i could say no, and i know he didnt think it was a big deal. I eventually broke up with him before school started again.
When i was 15 the next incident happened. This was worse though. My sibling started dating this guy, he was 21-23 years old, i cant really remember. I liked him at first, he was nice and sweet and fun. He always let me be around them and do stuff with them. Like during summer we would all go swimming together, make food etc.
There were times, things got very weird. He would tackle me and start tickling me a lot, i would be on the ground with him on top of me, tickling me and putting his hands under my shirt, at first i didnt think much of it since it was just tickling. But later on he would tickle me, pick me up and carry me to my room and throw me onto my bed, he would start lifting my shirt up to tickle me, it did make me a bit uncomfortable, especially since he would be pinning me down and being on top of me.
Later that summer we went to my siblings apartment, when we got there he saw some "play" whips on the ground, so he of course whipped me playfully. It didnt feel like that though. My sibling wasnt there at the time since they went to the car to get some stuff. I didnt tell my sibling about it either. Later that night he got very mad, i dont know why, but there was yelling and he would punch the wall. It made me really scared, and my sibling got scared too. I was sleeping on the floor in the bedroom beacause the place was small. When he went into the bathroom to calm down, i went into the kitchen where my sibling was. They were crying, and i talked with them. I was scared but my sibling told me that everything would be fine. So once the whole situation calmed down, we went to bed again, my sibling tried to cuddle with him to which he said "dont touch me." I could hear my sibling crying quietly, i was also crying. Mostly out of fear. In the morning things were luckily back to normal. We went to ikea that day and then we got back. In the evening things got weird again. They had some sort of fight again and while my sibling tried to be nice, he was not. We saw that he was looking up train tickets to go back home. So my sibling offered that he would take the car and drive back home and we would come back later with the train. He said no. We went to the kitchen with my sibling since he said he wanted to be alone. We were talking about him, well whispering. And he heard us. He went "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME?!" Keep in mind both me and my sibling get scared when we are being yelled at, due to ptsd. So we both shut up and looked at each other in horror. The situation calmed down and then came the day when we started heading back to my parents place.
We got back and then dropped him off. We went to our parents house, we didnt tell our parents about the things that happened during our stay at my siblings apartment. Later that day he came over and my sibling told him that they are poly and that they cant do a relationship with only one person. So they tried out being poly, my sibling was back with their ex boyfriend while also being with the new boyfriend. Everything seemed to go well, until my sibling started to be around the ex boyfriend, the new one would show up uninvited and stalk them. My sibling invited their friends over and told things about the new guy. Which caused me to tell them about the things he had done to me. My siblings friends instantly told my sibling to break things off with him. My sibling was shocked. They ended things, but my sibling gave him another chance, causing me to be upset. They ended things for good later the same week. I feared everyday because i was scared he would show up at our parents house and start fights. He was also transphobic and dismissing of my name and pronouns, as well as my siblings. Havent heard from him anymore.
This was the most recent thing that happened, while not the worst, it affected me for a long time. I was 17, he was 18. We saw each other at school and we became friends. One night we decided to hang out because we were bored. He told me he liked me, which was weird because we had only just met, but oh well. He told me he would stalk my profile and look at pictures of me, crushing over me. It weirded me out a bit, but all of us do that when we have crushes, we just dont admit it. Anyway we started dating. He knew i was asexual. We were kissing, but then he slid his tongue into my mouth. I was not okay with that. Not at all. It made me so uncomfortable. I came up with a lie, saying i had to leave, told my sibling to pick me up and they did. Later that night, i couldnt sleep, because of what he had done. He didnt give me any warning, he just did it, without asking anything. I had to break up with him the next day, because i was so disgusted, and so scared to see him again. I was anxious to go back to school and tried to avoid him as best as i could. I dropped out not soon after.
I can still feel the way it felt, it was so disgusting and i felt vulnerable. I felt disgusted with myself. The worst part is, that nobody thought that it was abig deal. It didnt help that i felt like i shouldnt tell anyone because i felt like i was too ugly to be assaulted. The guy knew my limits with sexual stuff, but didnt respect those. Im still scared that i will bump into them at the store one day.
So after thinking about it yesterday, is this the reason im asexual? Is this the reason why i want to be untouched? I guess i will never know.
I have never told anyone about all of these things this detailed, because i feared that i was too ugly to be assaulted, i feared that the reactions will all be the same. "Thats nothing, just get over yourself" Thats what my parents said. It may seem like nothing, but i still have nightmares about all of these guys, especially the second guy. Im almost 19, its been years, part of me forgets about these times, but every once in a while they surface again.
