The word family, such a strange word, because the first thing you think of is your biological family. But then there is the friends that are also family. I for one, don't feel like I have either one of these families.
For the purpose of this, I'll be using initials instead of names.
Firstly, M; You take all your pain and shovel the pile onto my shoulders, as if i didnt have enough problems of my own. There are things i cant tell you in fear of you rejecting my feelings, thats what you do with K, both of you rejecting my feelings. If you knew about what i have planned for this spring, you'd be hurt and you'd end up making it all about you even though it has nothing to do with you. It's to make me hate myself less.
K: You are such a dick to M, R and me. You only like J and shower him with love and affection, while M, R and me are left with none of your love. You have done some messed up shit, said some messed up shit and handled shit totally wrong. For fucks sake you left the damn dog on the road because the dog was getting the snow out of his paws. Walking was hurting him, but instead of waiting for the dog to be done, you unleashed him and came back with only one dog. It angered me and M a lot. If that wasnt enough you said "the only place ill be taking these dogs is to the wet, to have them be put down." WHO TF SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT?! THE DOGS ARENT EVEN YOURS!
And if that wasn't enough, whenever i stay home from school because im too exhausted. You get mad at me, complaining to M how im a lazy motherfucker and im never going to finish school. Im autistic and suffer from several mental illnesses. My brain gets overwhelmed from bright lights, loud noises, strong smells, etc. Going to school causes my anxiety to go through the roof, not to mention the fact that im depressed and the expectations you set for me are so high, i know ill disappoint you and i know ill never be enough for you to be happy. So my motivation is at zero.
I am trans and whenever i wear "women's" clothes, you always say "I thought you said you were trans?" and so i cant wear what i want, or own accessories that i want because i dont want you to think that im faking being trans.
I fear napping because of the times you come into my room yelling at me about how im lazy and dont do shit. I cant relax when you are home. So i stay up late, because thats the only time i dont feel stressed. I wont have to worry about dissapointing anyone, but i know ill regret staying up. It fucking sucks.
I pretend like im not depressed, i pretend like im not mad at you, i pretend like im not hurt, i pretend like you dont make me anxious and scared, but you don't know how much i suffer because of you and M. It sucks becayse i dont want to suffer because of you two, because i love you both so fucking much. You dont know the nights i spend thinking about how much better off you would be without me.
R: Honestly you are the only biological family member that I do consider family. You have been there for me, helped me escape the toxic household, even if its only been for few days, but its been needed. Thank you.
J: To be honest, i used to enjoy spending time with you, but the older you got, the less you wanted people to know that we are related, especially since i came out. you dont call me by my name, you dont call me your brother, you misgender me, and its obvious you are ashamed of me. I dont feel like you want me aroud.
Then to the family that isnt related by blood:
I: We have had our ups and downs, like everyone, but we had tons of them, to the point it became very toxic, i took you for granted, but the night you said we couldnt be friends anymore, it broke me, you are part of my daily routine. Without you my days feel empty, to the point were i am so lost. So when i told you that I would change, I really meant it, and i hope that you have seen it too. I dont get mad as easily and when im frustrated i take some distance. I struggle with my anger and i hate it because it has hurt you on multiple occasions. I'm sorry for the hurt i have caused you. I know im not a perfect person, but i try to be as good as i can.
E: Honestly, I never had anyone to connect with until i met you. The day i first spoke to you, i knew i wanted you to be in my life, you have been my saving grace even if you don't know it. When everyone else left me, you stayed, and all the times i have fucked up, you have forgiven me. Which is why i feel like you deserve better, I feel like you should have someone far better. I have treated you terribly too, and if i could go back in time, i would undo all of the things i did, but i cant, so now i try my best to treat you the way you deserve to be treated to try to make it up. Im sorry for the way i have acted.
Sometimes I feel like leaving everyone behind because the people I truly treasure, deserve so much more, so much better, I have been a jerk, but even then, these 3 people have stuck by me, which is why i feel like cutting ties with all of them would be far more fair to them. Because then they could find the people they deserve, and i would be hurting because thats what i deserve. I am a disappointment to myself and M and K. Probably even to J too.
I am sorry for being me.
