The promise that hasn't been kept.
"I will never replace you with anyone else. You're irreplaceable."
But the second there's a new option, I'm replaced.
I know I'm strange, childish, even immature at times, I know I'm sensitive and I know I tend to take things too seriously. I know I'm not considered "normal" because of the way I am, the way I talk, the way I act.
I am a kind person. Too kind. To the point where I suffer because of it. People hurt me over and over again, but I always forgive them, because "they didn't mean it" or "it was an accident" maybe part of why I forgive people so easily is because I've been told that I'm too sensitive, that things that are a big deal, really are just minor inconveniences and that I'm overreacting.
So I accept that I'm too sensitive, I accept that the things that hurt me were "probably nothing" so I shouldn't even say anything because I know I'm being stupid and it shouldn't make me feel as bad as it does. Even if I was to bring it to someone's attention, they'd dismiss my feelings, saying I have it all wrong, that I don't know what I'm talking about.
Later when I tell my sibling about something someone has done to upset me, they'll be like "you do realize that's abuse?" Or "that's them manipulating you!" Or "you have been gaslit."
I accept abuse, because my whole life, I've been told "you're too sensitive, you need to let it go, stop taking things so seriously" and where has that gotten me? Nowhere, I'm being abused by so many people, and even tho I know people that abuse me, I still can't let go of them, because they can be nice to me, they can make me happy.
I want to be able to leave, because of how bad the situation is, I didn't even realize how badly stuff has impacted my mental health, until I told my sibling about stuff that goes on at home, and then going "you need to get out asap" but I love my family, and they love me, right?
Because the abuse isn't physical, I feel like my abuse isn't serious enough, yet there have been multiple times where I've thought about the permanent solution.
It's funny really, I never realize how deeply something has fucked me up, until I have nightmares about it. I have nightmares every night, my "rest" isn't rest, it's scary, it's gruesome, it's raw. I could sleep for 14 hours and still be exhausted. All because of the nightly nightmares about past traumatic events.
