Feeling the need to isolate or maybe it's my brain telling me I'm unwanted, so to protect myself I pretend like I have to isolate.
Snapchat? The streaks, ones that were over 100 days? Gone. All because my brain tells me I'm not enough, so I "isolate"
Instagram: I reply to one person, rarely even talk about our own lives, or when we do, it's short, and we go back to talking about something else, pretending to be someone else with another life, just to feel like there's some sort of control in a life. Not necessarily yours, but in one that you have created. I don't post, I don't really scroll through my feed, because all I see are other people, happy with friends, while I'm alone "isolating"
Twitter: I don't open the app if I don't get a notification saying that my streamer is live, or that they tweeted something, I only look at their tweet, not even the comments, I like the tweet and retweet it, then close the app.
WhatsApp: no new messages, not from family nor the few friends that I have.
TikTok: it's always me looking at my for you page, sending TikTok's of other people to my friends, wondering if it's something they'd enjoy watching. Never posting any videos of myself, because I'm too insecure.
Twitch: I used to watch the people I follow every day, when they were live, now, I see a notification, and just let it go, I don't feel like watching, I don't feel like listening.
YouTube: there's nothing to watch, only subscribed to a few channels, watching their old content I haven't seen, just to get some comfort. It's an escape, a way to escape reality, and isolate myself further.
Spotify: always listening to music, sometimes it's feel good music, sometimes it's depressing music, it's all in one playlist, so that I don't have to sort the music through genre and happy and sad songs.
Discord: I have two friends I talk to, well used to, try to make time for the one friend I used to play with every night, but they always have something else to do, makes the thoughts my brain force feeds me, feel even more real. That I'm not enough, that I'm not needed, and in reality, people are trying to get away from you.
Tinder: find people, match with them, message them, and never get a reply, add them on Snapchat, get a reply, try to keep the conversation going, but the other people are always so dry.
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There are video games I want to play, but they're no fun alone, I miss my friends I played with, or even just got on calls with and played our own thing. I miss the feeling of having another person present.
I isolate myself from my pets, from my family, from everyone. My family makes me feel like shit all the time, so it's not like I even want to be around them. The dogs, they are around my family, and I don't feel like being around my family, so I'm only with them if I'm alone. My guinea pig, I'm pretty sure she's going to die soon. She's scared and likes to be left alone, her brother died a few days before Christmas in 2020.
I only really enjoy being alone, or being in my car driving, not necessarily even having a destination, but just driving and listening to my music, the music that my family usually makes fun of.
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I am so tired, to pretend like everything is okay, like I'm not falling apart, but I'm always the one who is "put together" in my family, I'm the saving grace, because mom doesn't get along with dad, dad doesn't get along with mom, they complain about each other to me on a daily basis, my brother wants nothing to do with me, unless he's forced to, my sibling doesn't live at home, they live far away, and usually sleep when I'm awake and vice versa.
When I try to open up about my feelings to my family, my feelings are belittled or even worse, completely dismissed. I send out cries for help, but nobody seems to actually care. Or maybe my cries for help aren't obvious enough.
I'm so tired of having to be the one that's "okay" when in reality, I'm probably the one who's the most broken out of everyone around me.
I miss my friends, I miss my happy family, I miss myself. I miss the me I used to be. I miss the motivation and the want to do things. I miss the feeling of not having to worry about anything. I miss being free from this hell that has consumed me.
